Sessions

Life of the monk Sergey, 1643

Describe what you see with your eyes closed.
I can see a black spot right in the center. 
Is it flat or volumetric?
It is flat.
Look through this spot, deep into the space, what can you see?
I feel depth.
Try to understand your shape there.
I can’t.
What kind of emotion have you got?
It is cold, calm and unworried state.
Do you have any unusual sensation in your body?
I have got strange sensation that reminds me vibration.
Concentrate on it!
The vibration becomes stronger. I can feel now that there is something above and behind me. It feels like I’m somersaulting, the vibration goes on. 
Try again to feel your shape in this episode.
It is human, but it differs from my present body.
Look around, what do you see?
Now I feel like I’m spinning and the center of the spin is the head. Now I can see some objects or rather their outlines, they are glowing.
Do some of them attract you?
Yes, some of them. I’m attracted to a human face from the right bottom. And from the left bottom. These images disappear. Now I can see black shiny circle. 
How does it look like? What associations do you have?
It reminds me black pupil.
Enter it!
I’ve entered and fast movement started immediately… I fly swiftly!
Fly! What kind of walls are there in this “tunnel”? Can you see the light ahead?
The walls are motley – the speed is very high, everything is blinking. The tunnel curves and I can see no end. 
Do you feel fine moving so fast?
Well, yes. I’m sphereshaped and with a tail.
What kind of tail? The same as spermatozoon?
Yes, it was my first idea.
What is the aim of your movement?
I’m going somewhere along this tunnel, but I have no aim… I can see…
What?
I can see other things. At first, a woman, then a parson with a cross, everybody wear caps… 
What is your role in the episode? How do you look like?
I’m a human being, a man. I wear some long and wide clothes. 
How old are you? What age is it?
I remember… it’s absurd… 1643.
Year?
Yes.
How old are you? What can you see?
I can see some disorders, there is a big crowd… 
Are you far from them?
About 1015 meters. The parson is ahead, he is indignant, he grabs his cross and bends forward. 
What do you wear?
I wear black cassock. I’m about thirtyforty years. 
Does your body feel the same as the body of Alex?
No, it differs, it is bigger, and I have a belly. My hair is long. I look at the crowd from above, it is inconvenient to be in such position. I look at the man with the cross straightly, I try to catch his eyes, but he looks aside, to the left, there is fear in his eyes. 
What is he afraid of? Look to the left, what is it there?
It seems like there is some dark “cocoon” there.
Why are you not scared? Do you now what is it?
I’m sure I now what is happening.
What? Tell me.
This is a magician, a man with enormous energy, but he has no destructive power.
Why do you see him as cocoon but not in his physical body?
I see him in this and that.
Describe him.
He has beard, he is old. Power goes from him.
Are you afraid of him?
No.
Why the parson is afraid then? 
They always do. If something goes wrong, they are afraid.
But you are also from the same monastery, aren’t you? Why don’t you feel fear?
This man acts against the scared parson, who stands in front of me and grabs the cross. This cocoonman embodies the wrath of God, he wants to punish this monk.
What is the parson’s name? What do you know about him?
His name is father Simon. It seems that his soul is “mean”.
What is going on?
It seems that the presence of this “cocoon” influence father Simon, bewilders him and affects his psyche. 
Do you see this effect?
I feel it. I feel like I switch on to this energy. 
Are you also against father Simon? Is there someone who is also against him?
Everybody who stand behind him. The cocoon seems to embody inner intention of all monks. 
Are you of the same rank as Simon?
His rank is higher than mine but also rather low.
Are you the chief?
I’m not, he is.
What is your name?
Sergey.
What do you feel, Sergey?
It is hot. I don’t know what it is. 
Look around, what it the position of your body?
It was an impulse that I’m on a cross.
Are you crucified? Come back to this feeling.  Are your hands tied or nailed?
They are tied.
What parts?
Wrists, where I have my watch now. My head is aching…
Are your legs tied?
They are, ankles.
Do you wear anything?
Some rags…
What does father Simon do?
He is near, he says something angrily. He says I don’t obey God, they must punish me. He waves his hand while speaking.
Do you hate him?
I’m angry. I feel like I’m a martyr!
Let’s go one week back of this episode. What is there? Look, where are you, what place?
Some old tortured monk lies bent to the cross.
What are you doing, do you speak to him or are you angry?
I don’t know him.
Why he was tortured?
He is a heretic. He is to be executed. He is faltering something, I cannot hear him, and he is sobbing. He is tied to the cross. He is old, his beard is long. It is hot, he is burnt, and his beard is burning. 
Why?
He doesn’t support the dogmas of father Simon.
Sergey, what do you wear? What shoes?
I wear a cassock and bast shoes.
What is around you? What country? 
I feel hot, my head aches… and this old man…
Is he burning?
Yes, he is crying and shouting. The base of the cross has burnt out and the old man fell into the fire. That’s all, he doesn’t cry anymore. It’s disgusting, the smoke smells abominable. 
What do the monks around do?
They think that man was punished for his freethinking.
Do you think the same?
No, I feel low.
What have you decided after this execution?
The first thought was to kill everybody. There is emptiness and discontent in my heart. 
Is there someone in the monastery who thinks the same as you?
I don’t know. I understand that it is all wrong.
Why does father Simon hate you?
I’m calm, I don’t anathematize anyone, not ambitious, not selfinterested. That’s why I’m not spoiled with sins of this monastery. I’ve got an enemy among monks – Peter.
Describe him.
He is old, darkhaired I despise him. He is the reason of my troubles, the execution of the old man is connected with him. He stands out of monks for his activity and spite.
What is you relation to God? Do you have a close friend?
I have, it is my spiritual teacher. He is old and he doesn’t live in the monastery, but seems to be of that environment. His personality is honest, it is rare among authorities. This person understands me.
Does Peter know about your spiritual teacher?
No. My worldview coincides with his – to treat the world with kindness, love and cordiality. I consider that my understanding of the world came from him. He found me in my childhood. He patronizes me and at the same time he is aloof of everything.
Now I see another image. There is a baby in a buggy on a bank of a river. There is a man and a woman next to him. I don’t know if the man is his father. He is aged and he loves the baby. But there is no blind love that parents feel to their children. He patronizes the baby but at the same time is aloof. The woman is dark-haired with pale face, she is baby’s mother. She speaks to the man. She is not poor. They are talking outdoors. He speaks to her but they are not married. They are friends. They are discussing something and speak about the baby sometimes. She has mother feelings, he has not. The man is dressed in a cassock. The woman waves back her hair. She says something mundane, he says something global. It is nice around. 

Who are you in this episode?
I’m the monk, I speak to her. I can see the water and the high mountains in front of me. There is a feeling of mutual sympathy. She has a baby. The nature is beautiful, the air is fresh, the water is close. The grass under my feet is short, about 1015 cm. It is interesting that in this episode I can see from the point of view of every person – as the man, as the woman or as the baby. I can’t concentrate on anything for a long time. For some reason I can not be in the body of any of them now, something throws me away. I don’t know how to describe. Now I’ve got freedom of motion, that is important for me and constraint if I’m in someone’s body.
Now I come back to the episode with father Simon, he curses my friend, my teacher. This is the episode from the beginning of the session, when I was bent to the cross and I saw a cocoon. 

What father Simon can do with them?
Nothing, he just shouts, but it doesn’t disturb my teacher. My teacher is above all, he has paranormal and high ability. There is a feeling that Simon shouts: “He is devilish!” But everybody knows he is from God. 
Is it kind of mania to see the schemes of the devil everywhere?
No, usually all the monks are kind and meek, only father Simon and Peter are not.
I was burnt on the fire after my teacher had left the monastery. This image stands before my eyes. I’m both tied and nailed to the cross. 

Do you have family and children? 
No. I have got a spiritual friend but we don’t have intimacy. She is mundane. I’ve met her in the church, on the public liturgy. I don’t confess. My rank is low. I’m 28 but I have mature outlook. 
Let’s finish with the episode on the cross. Did this woman come?
Yes, she stands in the crowd and cries. 
Tell in details about the last minutes of your life and your emotions.
The fire is smoking, it is hot, the head is aching, my clothes begin to burn.
Are you offended on betrayer Peter?
I’m a bit. But aloofness is stronger, the teacher taught me. I’m silent, I only moan, I feel pain, the flesh is burning…
The woman goes away, people follows her with their eyes. 
Why does she behave so bravely? She may become the next…
No, she may not, she is rich.
What next?
Now I look at myself from above, there is no gravitation, something draws me upwards. I’m confounded. It draws me more and more. I have a feeling of flight.
What is the color of the space where you are flying?
It is black. It is a tunnel, I see dim light ahead.
What is your shape and color now?
I have head, legs and arms, I’m transparent. It seems that the edges are radiant, they are glowing with yellowish light. It feels like I’m stuck in the tunnel and I cannot break away to the light.
Are you still connected with the burning body?
It is far below, I see it. The cross is ruining, I feel my body again. It’s hot. I fell into the fire. I feel enormous heat, it burns strongly.
It means, the body is still alive?
It hurts…
Continue…
It is terrible, I feel bad.
Please go on…
The last recollections: Simon cries: “anathema! » I feel relief.
Do you see your body?
It is charred. It is easy to breathe. 
Do you feel pity to your body?
No.
What do you see now?
I feel easiness, absolute easiness. I’m sphereshaped.
What is its color?
I can’t concentrate! Being a sphere is so pleasant! I fly; there is light yellow glowing all around me.
What is the color of the space? Do you have a feeling that you return back home where you are loved, your eternal home?
Yes, I have. I don’t move, now I’m just staying in this space. I’m a transparent sphere. Now I feel bad again…
Have you returned into your body?
Yes, I feel sick…
Do you feel your body?
It pains… I’m in a small dark room.
Have you been saved and cured?
It seems so. All my body is aching.
Is there anyone near? Can you see?
I can. I see a man… I feel bad.
Sergey, let’s go through this episode. How have you been cured?
This man waves his hands around me, it gives me ease. But I feel pain where my body was burnt, the head is aching, I feel sickness. I’m very bad. It is silent everywhere. I see a man; he feeds me with a spoon. I fall asleep. I feel better now. I can’t stir, because I feel strong pain.
Do you feel better?
I do, but everything hurts.
(-I feel like I’m going to puke right now; - Don’t worry)

- Go through the episode, don’t leave it. Look, did you manage to survive or you are dying? Is it a secret that you are there? 

 I see black ashy color in contrast with white, mourning color of funeral procession.
 Do you see it from the body or from aside? Are you Sergey, did you manage to survive?
I feel terrible now.
We cannot leave the episode, go through it. Is the mourning color your hallucination? What does your body feel? Is it still in that small room?
I’m dozy… In my present life I often feel like that.
Where are you now? Keep on lying?
I’m sleeping… I didn’t know that it may happen so… It seems that I’m feeling better. Only this old man knows that I’m still alive.
How much time passed after the execution?
Plenty of time.
You keep on living, your body is strong and young, and you are 28 only.
I’m conscious but I cannot stir.
What do you know now?
I’m alive! It is still hurts. I cannot move. 
How this old man cures you?
He cures… I’m not so sick, my headache is less. I sleep; I should sleep till I’m healthy. When I feel bad, I fall asleep and it helps me. (The same thing is in my life now).
  One year has passed, I feel better, and I began to stir a bit. He took me into the nature. There is a wooden house on a mountain, a river below, a valley, a forest, the air is fresh. The air is fresh and summery. It is silent all around, the breeze is cool, and I can feel it with my body.

Is your body hardly maimed with scars?
It is covered with something and with a blanket. I cannot look at the scars. 
Look around, what nature are here, what trees, what part of the world is it?
There are pines, moderate northern zone, the summer is cold. I don’t feel sick anymore. It’s so calm and silent… It’s nice to sleep outdoors. 
Where is your rescuer?
He sits somewhere behind me, I cannot see him. I can’t speak, my lips have burnt. I can only moan. It’s getting dark.
Does the old man take you or drive?
He drives. I feel easiness and coolness after the street. I’m afraid to stir, I’m afraid I will feel pain again. It is covered with scabs, they are cracking when I’m moving, it makes me feel headache, and I’m tired of it. I sleep again.
Go to the moment when you begin to move again. Does the old man help you?
Now it seems that I sit!
Can you speak?
I’m smiling.
Wow! Has the pain gone? Have the scabs being cured?
The skin is different. The old man washes me, he also smiles. I feel easiness and joy. He is kind. 
Why did he save you?
That episode with Simon and that dark cocoon… it was my fate.
What do you mean?
It was all connected with me. 
Did you practice witchcraft?
No, I didn’t. I’ve understood being in this small room for eight months that this cocoon was the sign of death, it was on the left side. It didn’t touch me, but I saw it and felt it. 
On the fire did you feel death?
Yes, I saw that death was stronger than anything in the world.
Look at the old man’s eyes, what can you see?
They are calm and kind. I don’t belong to my previous world. My previous life has finished. 
Who is this old man? Did he tell you his history?
He is somehow connected with my teacher. May be it is him? I feel fine with him.
What are you talking about?
I’m so grateful to him. Even if we keep silent and just smile, I’m filled with joy when I look at him.
Are you able to walk already?
I can sit. I’m going to walk soon.
Why do you pull off this moment?
I like to be in it. I like to smile and to see joy in the old man’s eyes. These high emotions are difficult to describe! Everything has gone, I can walk. It is spring.
What year is it now?
It is the middle of a century. Now I fall asleep easily, not as I used to, just to escape my pain. I’m still weak. 
It is almost a year since your teacher began to cure you. 
I’ve gone through so many things… I think about it now when I’m cured.
We live together; we go fishing on the river I saw before. There are otters there, but we don’t touch them, they are not afraid of us. The rods are made of horsehair. The river is not big, I’ve never seen boats or people there. When I looked in the swift river I felt sick. 

You are still weak…
When I sleep enough it’s all right.
What kind of house do you have? Or may be it is a cave?
It’s a tiny dwelling.
Do you pray together?
No. I still have problems with my head. I’ve burnt a lot. I fell asleep. I live together with my teacher about a year.
Is he very old?
He is.
Now it is your turn to look after him… What is his name?
His name is Pavel.
Do you have thoughts that Pavel is already old?
He is very hale old man.
Who dies first? Go through this episode. 
I see my death. I often see nightmares where I’m burning on fire. When I see them I feel bad.
Don’t turn back to these nightmares. You are in your small room, don’t recollect the past!
Now he is old and weak, I take care of him. He is very old and is going to die, he can do nothing. I feel low that I used to be happy, I lived with this old man and now I’m to stay all alone, maimed and burnt.
But you have a strong soul! Do you feel lonely when you stay alone? I understand that you feel sorrow and pain that your Pavel passes away. How long have you been living together?
Seven years.
Does anybody know that you are alive?
No. He will die soon, I’m going to live alone.
Do you cry? Do you feel pity?
I remember my hard times, I feel bad. Pavel had died, I buried him near the house. I’ve become matured. 
What do you mean by “matured”?
Previously I was not wise enough, and now when I am alone I became wise, when I knew the feeling of loss of a native person.
What do you decide: to stay here or to go to people?
No, I live here by myself, nobody goes here.
How do you live in winter?
I hunt with traps and nooses.
How old are you? How long have you been living alone?
I’m old, I’m over 50. I don’t come back to people. I met some people, hunters, but I lived alone.
How did they treat you? As a hermit?
As a forester. It becomes more difficult to chase. I sleep a lot again. I’m weak.
Do you fall asleep to die?
Yes.
Find the moment when you die, Sergey. 
I’m indoors, it is winter, and I feel death.
How?
Death was that black cocoon again.
Are you afraid of it?
Yes.
Do you want to live?
I don’t want to feel pain.
Why?
Because when I died for the first I felt strong pain.
But that was violent death. 
I feel bad, I’m lying on a plank bed, my body burns, and I feel sick. I felt better, and after bad again. There is food and some amount of water in the dwelling. It’s difficult to go for water, I need to come down the steep to the river. I try to struggle with death, but death takes me forever.
What do you mean by “forever”?
As soon as my soul flew away, it became easy at once.
Why do you cry?
It’s hard. I came back to the body again. Sometimes, when I leave the body, I feel good, when I come back – bad again. 
Do you struggle for life?
Yes. And now I finally left the body. I feel bad… I fall asleep, I see the sky and stars. I don’t know how to describe. I can see some white and soft object in front of me, it has strange shape. It’s impossible to describe it.
Sergey, find the moment of your death.
I feel sick.
Go further…
The body gets cold and dumb. I feel worse, I can’t stir… I’m alone. I feel cold all over my body. The heart beats weakly, my eyes are closed. I see the landscape near my house. It is evening. I feel like I’m going to get rid of this life. I don’t want to die, I try to stay in the body. Now the ease came. There is bright blue unearthly light around me.
Look at your left body, describe it.
The skin is ugly, all scars and cicatrices, the face is burnt, I have no hair on it, there is some hair on my head, but very unusual, leant back. 
Do you feel pity?
No.
What is your shape and color now?
Light yellow, with human outlines. I feel wideness, freedom and ease.
How old were you when you died?
Fifty seven. 

Life of an owl; life of a stone; life of a sheep, life of an ant; life of a rich man

Looking at the background of your closed eyes, describe your emotions; do you have a feeling of flight like in the previous session?
Yes, I see myself as a bird, a huge bird…
Do you feel as a bird or do you see yourself from detached point?
I see!
From aside?
Yes.
Look, who are you there? Are you afraid of it? Is it your friend or enemy?
It’s difficult to say. I don’t like it. It is in the dark sky.
From what point do you watch it?
I think I’m flying too, for I see it.
Do you feel wings, that keep you in the air?
No, I don’t.
Do you feel flaps? What shape do you have? Are you flying high? What kind of scenery is beneath you?
It’s a valley. The horizon changes like on a plane, flying up and down.
Does it ascend and lower evenly with every flap of the wing, the head being up and down?
Yes, the horizon changes… And the wings are flapping and then they cease, like a human pulse, in the same rhythm.
Can you feel the wind blowing?
Yes… It must be night, for the darkness is spread over the ground and the earth.
How long have you been flying? Are you a nocturnal bird?
I’m a nocturnal bird with huge wings. I suppose, I go hunting.
Are you a male or a female?
Male, it seems. The bird is a raptor to my mind.
And what about the bird you’ve seen? Why didn’t you like it? Was it you rival?
I think, it wass, it disturbed me. I’m solitary by nature, I don’t live in flock.
Ok, what can you see? Do you feel hunger or desire to hunt? Are going to catch someone?
I feel like I’m a warrior. I must catch someone.
Is it twilight, the dead of the night or the daybreak?
It is the dead of the night.
Are there stars or clouds?
No, the sky is fair… The world is empty. I think everybody is afraid of me and so they’ve hidden.
Does anything draw your attention beneath?
I’m watching some small spots on the land. I try to figure out, if I need them. The sky is blotted with some glares, either stars or some heavenly bodies. Sometimes I feel someone flying away near me, but I have no interest in it, I’m interested in what I see below. The have been flight enduring for so long.
Have you found anything interesting for you?
Me? Now I can see something, it’s long, crawling, disgusting… Ouch! It might be a snake or a lizard…
Does it seem tasty for you?
It’s big… Yes!
Have you eaten it?
I guess so, I haven’t feel.
Go through this episode again.
I don’t feel it in my paws, but it is already mine.
Have you swallowed it?
Not yet, but I feel it’s close to me… I’m spinning around…
Does it try to hide?
It crawls, but it won’t crawl fast.
Now you have some emetic spasm, have you eaten it?
It seems so, ‘cause I don’t see it anymore.
Do you feel satiation?
Yes. It seems that I seat on the ground, I don’t fly anymore.
Do you seat on the ground or on a twig? Do you feel your paws clutching a twig?
I seat on the ground, it is dank. I feel cold soil.
How many fingers do you have?
Fingers?.. I can’t figure out. I feel coldness of the soil, something soft. I don’t understand what kind of surface it is.
Do you move along it?
No, I’m completely stiff, I just seat.
Are there some noises around you? Do they attract you?
I seat and feel satisfied, I’m not afraid of anyone. I even close my eyes of pleasure.
Mm-m…
I don’t have interest neither in sounds nor in rustle. Nothing bothers me!
Still there should be some noises. You should be alarmed all the time. It doesn’t matter that you are big and strong…
I seat on the ground, the night seems to depart. It is daybreak. There are some birds about. A marmot or a squirrel ran near me, its muzzle was narrow.
Does it look appetizing to you?
No. It was darting than stopped, looked alarmed at me and ran away. It had black ears and black muzzle, like a marten. I didn’t touch it. It seems the night goes away and the hunt… I can see another beast, it looks like a badger. Its muzzle is striped. There are too much animals here. I won’t eat them all, so they are hanging around here.
They know that you are already replete!
Yes, I am, I’ve swallowed something big. I just have no more room in the stomach. They know I am not dangerous sitting like that.
How did you fold your wings?
Like hand into pockets, I’m absolutely calm. I watch everything like a TV. The life around is not interesting for me, it is the point when I watch it above. I think I came to the place I live or I have to wait till night over there. 
You are easier to get sitting on the ground.
I watch the beasts from above, it’s kind of a hill.
It’s dawn, what are the colors of the landscape around you? Can you see the grass, the branches, the trees and the flowers? Look around! Don’t you sleep?
I sleep, I feel the color through my closed eyes… the color I need for relaxation. It’s orange… It’s hard to feel, but I don’t want to open my eyes. This piece of land is populated with small animals. Oh, yes, I seat high. These beasts look like bears or koalas. They live on the trees. Some animals jump on branches, they might be monkeys.
Do you see it all asleep?
I see an animal approaching the tree. It looks at me. I see its muzzle. It’s a lion.
Are you on the tree?
Yes, I am. I’m about four meters higher. Now I look at them and they look at me. Monkeys and bears don’t need me and the lion took a look and went away.
Is it savannah or something?
It looks so… The trees are high and a lot of animals. It seems that everybody went for hunting, everyone is busy, and for me it’s night. I don’t know what kind of a bird I am, an owl maybe. 
Are you matured? Have you already had nestling?
I’m not a young bird, I’m old and wise. I don’t make mistakes and I think I’m a male. 
All right, let’s go forth. Do you have mating season or something interesting? Find it. You should go back or forward your life to find your female. If you find it, describe it to me to comprehend what kind of a bird you are. 
It has motley plumage and dark wings, its head is rather goodsized…
Does her beak look like an owl’s?
Yes, like a hook.
Is it she?
Yes, a female, me – a male.
Do you tempt her somehow?
No, we look at each other.
With your eyes wideopen?
Yes.
What do you feel when you look at her?
I just watch her and I know it’s an individual of an opposite sex. Nothing yet. She looks, turning her head sometimes, her eyes being round… Now, I touch her muzzle… is it a muzzle?
It’s actually a head.
Her head is so close, it’s not a kiss, I touched something with my beak.
Is it the way you communicate? Do you feel anything or is it just a ritual dance?
We hit each other with our beaks, it doesn’t hurt.
Does it turn on?
Yes, we bounce.
Let’s call it “owl sex”
Owl sex… we hit each other with our beaks… But in the other way. I don’t know how to call it, it’s not a kiss, it’s very tender. May it be a game, a ritual? I feel my flesh creeping, but it’s not hunger or feeling of satiety, it’s some exhilaration. My feathers rose up.
How long does this period last? A day, a month?
It lasts long. We are close to each other. We jump and bounce. It’s hard to jump. I don’t know… I just feel her next to me, the sense of excitement won’t reduce. It lasts for a day or two, it seems. 
Are you looking for the place for your nest? Or have you already found it?
I think it is somewhere near us… I have a sense of home…
Was it you who has found it?
No, not me. It seems to be the place I was brought in. It is not the place where I sat on a twig. It’s lower and it’s a completely different place. I can see… small… it must be eggs or birds, like small feather lumps.
Where are they? Is it a hollow? Do you look into it? Has your mating season already ended?
I see eggs, or maybe feel them.
Maybe you hatch them?
Can I?
You can.
I seat on them trying not to smash. There are seven or eight of them. They are situated in a weird way, halfround. I see them, I clutch them.
How do they look like?
Grayish, quaillike, but not flecked, without any pattern, not even-colored. Here comes the bird looking like an owl, its feathers are lighter than mine, I flew away.
Where do you go?
I don’t know, let’s see. I’m flying and I feel like hunting.
Is it evening again?
Yes, it’s getting dark. I look down, I’m a hunter. I do not fly for pleasure. At noon I hatch, at evening I hunt. I’m flying, I can see my wings. It seems I even see my back!
It can be so, ‘cause you are able to turn your entire head in 270 degrees. 
I see my back and now I look below. I’m looking for something big, I pay no attention to small things. I can see nothing. Oh, God, I can see a snake again!
Have you eaten it?
Yup! It seems I’ve caught it with my hook without even landing. I’ve caught and swallowed it. I feel satiety and rest. The satiety comes very soon. I come to the same place where the owl sits. We seat together I can see her hook. I see tiny birds, no eggs.
Is it a hollow or some hole?
It seems that it is a hollow in a huge tree. It’s dark there and I’ve got a feeling of enclosed space. The light penetrates it very locally. The hollow is closed from outer world. Only one bird can place in it. It looks like the hollow….
When will the chicks appear? Do you know that?
I feel they are going to appear.
Do they make any sounds?
The eggs are alive.
How do you feel it?
They are warm and I can feel life inside them.
What signals do you perceive to understand that they are alive?
Signals? I can hear some knocking and shivering. They start to stir.
Who was in the hollow when the shell began to crack?
No one. 
Did they start to appear themselves?
 Yeah, there is no one here. There is enough room to get rid of the shell. 
Where are you?
I’m watching near.
To help?
Yes. They crawl out of the shell without feathers, so weak. Someone stay in the shell. Everyone open their mouths. The squeak sounds odd. They look like short tiny snakes. They are pretty weird like clews. The owl seats with a worm, she throws it into the hook. 
Is the hook with round edges?
She throws again and again. They stretch to her. They tear the worm, it’s rather big. There is a green caterpillar, they also eat it.
Do you participate in their breeding?  
Now, I just seat and watch. It was not me who brought it. Now I watch… I might have caught a caterpillar. The grass is high… No, I haven’t caught.
I’m flying… Can I see the shade of my wings?
You can.
It might be clouds. I fly in the nebulous sky. The shadow is bizarre. I don’t feel it is a bird. Now I can see a rock, it is completely sheer. I’m on that rock trying to hook with my claws. The rock has rough edges like a slate. I feel it. It’s not night, it’s dusk. 
Have you parted with the owl?
I have already forgotten about her since I have other business now and I don’t have to come back. It seems so or maybe I just don’t think about it. Here comes the night again and the hunting. 
Do you deem yourself a hunter?
Yes, for I see some animals. I see paws of an animal looking like a wolf.
May it be a jackal?
Probably. For me it’s too big. I’m looking for snakes. It crawls… it doesn’t crawl… I don’t see the moment when I catch a prey. I just see it and then I don’t see it. That’s the way.
Is your life dull or harmonious?
I think, it’s harmonious.
How does it end? Did you have any more nestling?
I think, I had had it many times before and after that. I’m quite an old bird… It would be about forty for a human. It seems that I have been living for a long time, it seems that I know that all. Everything is familiar to me. 
Have you met folks?
Folks… No, I don’t think so.
All right. How do you die?
Die…
Yes.
I think I’ve died of my old age.
Find this moment. Were you flying or sit anywhere?
I was flying and felt dizzy. I fly so high, birds do not fly like that. 
Do you feel your body – a body of a bird?
Yes. 
Is it tired?
It’s heavy. It’s hard for me to fly. The higher I fly the heavier the body. It seems that if I rise up more, I’ll just fall. This heaviness is hard to overcome. It looks like I had folded my wings and fell down.
This moment when you had folded your wings and felt dizzy…
I didn’t felt it, I just hit a rock.
But you were approaching it with your eyes open?
Yes.
What had you hit it with – your side, wing or head?
With my head.
Did it hurt?
No.
Have you already left the body?
Yes.
Describe yourself being dead. Had the bright light appeared when you left the body?
Yes, it had. 
What is its color?
Milky white.
Describe to me the body of the bird.
It didn’t look like an owl’s, probably that is because the wings were thrown back unnaturally.
Describe what was left of the body when the soul has abandoned it. 
Just a lump with one wing folded, the other one is slackened. 
Are the paws big?
They are clenched in a fist. The head is pressed into the body. That’s all.
Come back to the body again when you were flying. How did you decide that the moment to finish your life had come? How did you realize that you were too old to keep on living?
This thought came to my mind like a flash, for I suddenly felt so bored. I was flying, I had been flying for all my life and suddenly understood how tired I was… The higher I flied the worse I felt… I came about the most proper place to commit it. Over there, near the rocks, to do it for sure. 
Good. Is it a wellconsidered intention?
Yes. A predator mustn’t be weak. It must be strong or it mustn’t exist at all! It doesn’t want to be eaten by someone stronger. It had had enough to understand it.
Do all species of your kind make the same decision?
I guess so. I think it’s a natural order, it brings neither fear nor bad emotions. Just when you realize it’s time you do it. So here you are…
What about the light? Do you start soaring in it?
I looked at the bird and light on the third hand. The light went up like a little fountain and the bird flew down.
Wait! Had the soul abandoned the body before it hit the rocks?
After that. It flew, hit the rock and then fell down. It all happened at the moment of the blow. At one moment. It’s like a light, very tough, and a soul in it is very light. It flies…
What kind of space is around you? What is your color and shape?
Very odd view. Like a long highway, I’m moving along it.
Like a conveyor?
Yes. I lay and look forward. It’s like a plane, when it starts off the earth. The movement is very strong. There are some turns… I’m dashing somewhere.
What is your color? Your shape?
Now it is a completely different scene.
What is there?
The prospect has broken. I can see the dark sky again. Clouds again and the sea below. It’s twilight. It looks like a storm… it’s a sea, not an ocean.
Who are you?
I’m not on a ship, I’m in the sea… and I cannot be there…
What is your shape?
I try to feel it…
Is the sea cold?
I don’t feel it, me myself is cold. Could I be a stone?
Is the sea underneath? Are you a rock?
I’m a part of the rock, a small part. I’m absolutely immovable, I feel waves washing me, they splash on me…
How long does it last?
Very long…
Find the beginning, how did you appear there?
Lots of water…
Are you underwater?
No, I’m much higher than now. It seems that the rock sank a bit. At the beginning I felt like a stone alone in the middle.
Find your youth.
I was a tiny island in the sea. It’s not an ocean.
Does anyone live on your surface? Are there any birds or animals?
It’s lofty, birds have rest on it. The rock itself is lightcolored, of regular shape.
Like a finger pointing out of the sea?
Yes. There is an area on the top where birds seat. 
Is there any grass?
Yes, the grass is poor.
How did you appear there?
I consider, I was covered with water… big glaciers…
Before it.
I was flooded, I used to be a goodsized ground, and that is what left.
When you were sank what animals were around you?
Big fish, very big ones.
Do they look like fish of our times?
No, I’ve never seen anything like that. They are soft and huge. Odd fish with giant eyes. Their noses pungent, their fins round… Some of them have testa. I can see in water. 
Does anyone eat someone over there? Are there some plants? Are you covered with some plants?
Down there… I can see no seashells, some sparse algae only. Some creatures reminding lobsters creep along the bottom. The water is transparent. 
Find the very beginning of the incarnation.
I was a shore of a continent. There is sand all around, I’m a part of the shore. Somebody walks on me, animals, not humans.
I’m covered with sand and I’m warmer.
Dinosaurs?
Maybe, they are heavy, but they do not oppress me, ‘cause I’m warm and young. I don’t feel heaviness. The sea is much warmer than that I’ve mentioned. It’s very warm, the sand is yellow.
Are all the creatures big?
No, there are small ones.
Have they got any shell?
They crawl…
Don’t they have paws? Do they creep like snakes?  
They remind lizards… so long… No big ones… oh, nay, some are big.
Now it’s a noon, does it changes to night?
I can see a big animal with a trunk, it looks like an elephant.
Is it bigger than mammoth? Is it hairy?
It’s not hairy, it is heavy, but it’s not unbearable.
Do you have an image of the night sky in your mind?
Now it’s a noon, the sky is clear and blue, the sand is yellow. The sun shines brightly, the colors are rich…
Is there any verdure?
Not near, here is sandy. Birds are flying, white and big, looking like a pterodactyls…
Do they have feathers?
They have a plumage.
How do they cry?
The cry is mean, their muzzles are disgusting…
Do they have teeth?
Yes. Their wings are white with black edges. So scary! They push off with their long legs. They gorge someone, and shout so loud! Predators they are!
Do they gorge each other?
I do think so. It seems that they live in the air and have no interest in what is happening down there… what else? Some creatures come of the water, big looking like walruses, sleek and huge.
Do they look like modern walruses?
They do, their tusks are long, they are bigger than walruses. They lay on the sand.
Do you see the epochs and the animals changing?
You’ve already asked me! It was warm and then I saw a big wave. The sea suddenly turned cold, as if the climate had changed. 
Before the climate changing did you notice any civilization? 
I can see something on the sky, not stars, because they are placed strictly, they look like geometrical figures. They stay at one place. They seem to watch the earth. They are bigger than stars.
Have these things ever landed the earth? Has any being come of it?
I think, they haven’t they float over the land.
Did they approach to you closely?
Yes, they did, ‘cause the tail almost touched me.
Was it hot or cold?
No, I felt nothing at all. The light is cold, silver.
Have you seen it for the first time?
No, it seems, I had already seen it, for it was there all along. It’s like a part of the world I live in. It’s completely ordinary… somebody got off it. They are golden…
Do they look like people?
They do, they are so tiny comparing with all those animals. But they seem to get off not on land, but on water, for I see it from one point. It seems they are over the water. It’s a sauce or likely because it has buoyancy.
All right.
Here it is… What else? They can move along the water. So strange… they hold something like oars in their hands. They seem to consist of one and the same material, for both the oars and the beings glitter in the same way. The oars are moving towards me. They lit with a searchlight the place they are going to. The ship is big but they float on a small one. That ship floats on the water motionless.
Did they get off the ship? Are they capable of walking?
I can’t see. It seems, they didn’t get off. I’ve lost this scene.
Where are you now? I begged you to come back a little from the ice formation. Had they visited you long before the ice formation?
Yes, because it all happened long time ago. Millions of years, probably. I couldn’t have changed so fast.
Have you already changed somehow? Have you got any cracks?
No, I’m all the same shore. I think, I’ve changed immediately. Under the influence of nature. Something has changed my appearance, my state. It seems, that the sand had been washed away and I became uncovered…
You’ve mentioned coldness, was it the ice formation? Had you been glazed?
No, the temperature has changed. The sea was warm and blue and became murky and cool. The sky turned into grey, it stayed almost the same.
Did the animals die? Did you see their corpses?
No, I didn’t see any corpses. 
Do you still see them now? Or are there some other animals?
I can watch the fish only… I don’t know where they are.
Are you underwater?
I’m surrounded with water.
Did the sea become cold?
Yes, I sank deeper.
What fish are there?
The fish are very big. There are some birds, but they don’t live here, they just have rest.
How do the birds look like? Like now?
I don’t know… I feel something disturbs me, something sits on me.
Do they shout like pterodactyls?
No, these birds are different, they are smaller and not aggressive. They rest here. I seem to be far away from the continent. They are grey with long thin legs.
Do you have some grass on you?
I have a little, some small spot covered with it.
Does any civilization appear? Do you see anyone? 
I try to see…
Look at the night sky. Are the stars the same that we’ve seen? And when you saw those aliens were the stars situated in the same way?
In that sky the comets were very active so I couldn’t see the stars. Maybe the weather was cloudy… These flying saucers had very peculiar light. It seems that I grew bigger and became closer to the stars. The sky is spotted with stars, it’s difficult to figure out any constellation. There are lots of them.
Just try to compare what you see now with what you saw in Elena’s life. Is it the same?
I don’t see any constellation.
All right. Do not leave the episode. Let’s proceed. What comes next in the life of the stone? Is it deep in the sea?
I think it is. I can monitor the underwater life. I can see huge fish there.
Is it dark down there?
No, not really. The stone itself is light and it reflects light. Things close to the stone are lighter.
All right, what animals do you see?
Irongrey fish with spooky round eyes, very odd eyes, fins are striped. The eyes are big with tiny pupils. They are mean, these fish. Plants are rare here… the water is limpid, with green hue. There is something at the bottom… not starfish, some karst may be…
Trilobites?
I don’t know their name, but something of that kind… Fish are all the same, not many of them. Some are small, some are red, very sleek and long. I haven’t seen them also. Underwater life is pretty routine.
Remember your talking about the ice formation… Has the cold ceased? Has the temperature become higher?
Yes, it grew higher.
Are there seasons here?
I think, no, the season is always the same. I can feel the sea has become warmer. Maybe a stone is less sensitive to the temperature than the sand. I can’t say.
Ok, what else in the life of this stone…
I’m not a stone, I’m a rock. From the beginning I felt myself being lofty above the sea. 
Is it all that remained?
The stone is old, corrupted…
Corrupted with water?
I think so. Its surface is smooth and polished. 
Did you see aliens again?
I think, this is the place they always visited.
Look…
It seems to be their zone. They do not bewilder me.
Are they the same or others?
They are a bit different.
Are they different because of the changing of their civilization or the civilization is completely different?
They are different.
Describe them to me. Do you see them? Do they land and walk on you?
I have a feeling that they do not land, they hover in some machine, but it is more constructive and smaller. It’s enough for them to float over the surface, no need to get off. I don’t know what they are looking for. There is nothing of interest here… They seem to explore something… They have very long limbs, maybe these are the part of their costume… They are glittering with light.
What kind of color?
Silver, silver and yellow. The color is compound, richer at the tips. Their machine is more perfect, it may go away by spinning.
Like a corkscrew?
Yes. There are some devices looking like our planes, they fly close to the surface.
Do they produce noise?
No, they are noiseless.
Do you hear the sea roaring?
I think yes. The sea is unquiet. These machines differ in their shapes. But they all are aerodynamically ideal.
What do you see now?
I can see the sky sometimes, some stars maybe. I can see tracks…
Meteorites?
Meteorites like tails of comets. They appear and disappear. The life in the sky is variable. I haven’t seen it before. It seems livelier than on the earth. 
More aliens?
I don’t watch them, but they are. It seems that they are above. They come here with some aim, not for long. I can’t see them dwelling here. 
What comes next? Does the stone grow older?
It does, I have a sense that soon I’ll be covered with water. The stone is old and it is being trimmed… It becomes smaller and smaller. There are only remains…
Do you feel yourself? Your shape and limits?
Yes, but they are much smaller.
And what about a crystal structure of lattice?
It ruins… I’m not hefty anymore… a strong wave is enough to break some part off me. I’m weak… I’m falling into pieces. The water swallows me. I can hardly see the horizon… I can see above myself… I’m of the same level as water.
Did the fish or plants underwater change somehow?
I can only feel the surface. In the depth the stone grew darker, it is darker everywhere. I seem to be covered with something on my top, so it became harder to see anything. It used to be easy like watching a TV, and now I have to peer into and can hardly see anything. The water grew darker. There are some jellyfish, something that is familiar to me. It’s hard to distinguish anything without light, and there is no light here.
And closer to the surface?
Well, closer to the surface it is easier to watch. I can see small fish…
Have you seen people or human civilization?
No, I haven’t. Fish only.
Do you still feel yourself?
I feel and I feel not. 
Find the moment when the rock breaks apart and the soul leaves it.
It might be a volcano or some crash that forced me to fall. Yes, it seems so. To fall into parts…
Are you free now? Do you see everything on the third hand?
Yes.
Can you describe?
I can. This was either a volcano or some earthquake shock, that had ruined the rock. Being old I was covered with cracks inside and outside. This wave torn me apart. The stone ruined easily. I felt ease. Great ease.
What is your shape and color? What is the color of your soul?
The color of the stone’s soul? It seems to be dark and black.
What is around you?
I see completely calm sea.
Are you above it?
Yes, I’m soaring.
What is your color?
I’m not colored.
Is it black? Like a pupil, that is black and colorless at the same time?
It’s difficult to say, it doesn’t have such depth as the black. It’s smudged on edges. The edges are silver. The soul gains weird color. It soars up high. I fly up, stretched. There is an oval silver glowing around me. 
Do you appear anywhere?
I think there is no strict way, I’m just wandering in this glowing.
Do you feel the same as when you were leaving your organic physical body?
No, it’s completely different. This flight is longer, softer and not so abrupt. I seem to roam.
Is there anything familiar to you?
The atmosphere is familiar. It is not the first time I’m there. I don’t feel fear. I’m moving through the places I’ve been before. It is not the search of some way but merely wanderings. Now it seems that something has changed… I capture the moment of sudden stop… I seem to lose something…
What? Look around.
I think I see a woman’s face… or not a woman’s…
Look.
I see ovals, they are enlivened with different emotions…
What do you mean?
Faces only, not bodies…
Ok, who are you there?
Hard to tell, I’m roaming along the ground…
On two legs or four?
I see! I’m a wandering white sheep!
Do you see a white sheep or feel its body?
I see a sheep near. I’m a sheep and so everybody here. We all eat grass.
Feel how the sheep nibbles the grass!
Very cautious, with no hurry (do they actually eat it?). I’m the sheep. We move along, nibbling the grass… There is some animal near me with black horns… We are very clean and white. There are a lot of us. It seems that a wolf stares at my eyes!
Oh, God!
He stares at me fixedly.
Do you intent to run?
No, I stand staring back at him.
Did the others run away?
I don’t see him anymore.
And what do you see?
Nothing.
Let’s come back again. You were nibbling the grass rigorously. You are a very white and clean sheep. You are of some herd, aren’t you?
Yeah. Of a big one. 
And suddenly you open your eyes…
And I see a wolf! Or a dog? No, it is the wolf! I saw his muzzle and eyes… And than I see nothing…
Were you anxious?
No, I was stiffed, no fear… We have kind of dialogue… I can even see now that these eyes are predatory and beautiful. It is a wolf’s gaze. The eyes with tiny pupils… And I have been devoured… He did something and I fell asleep.
Did he bite your neck?
Yes, he seem to hurt me… That’s all.
Do you look at yourself from aside?
Yeah.
Look, does he eat you? Where are the others sheep?
Well, they flew, the wolf was alone, and I was the most stupid.
You are likely to be the most occupied one! Does he drag you somewhere?
He drags me by the collar…
Does it seem interesting for you?
No, I watch and even feel compassion to the wolf – would he be able to drag me further, because I’m heavy. That’s all.
What’s next?
I move forward slowly…
Where are you at the end?
I flew somewhere and there are some odd objects there. I try to figure out… I seem to be just tiny… I have an association with a midge crawling on a face. I see lashes to step over them like over a fence. A trip on a big face… It’s a human face, an immense one…
Is it your new embodiment?
Yes, I’m a small insect that has fallen on a face.
Weren’t you smashed?
The face is sleeping. It doesn’t feel me. I’m so tiny that I can do no harm. I’m strolling round lashes. The eye seems to be open!
Maybe it’s not just completely closed?
Probably… I’m wandering below it.
What?
I don’t know… so much room… The skin is porous, it is easy to be clutched on it. The skin is not young, it’s easy to walk along it. It’s so nice and pleasant to walk on it! It is a bit greasy, not dry. It’s not pleasant to go downward to the ear, I feel dizzy. Although it is also nice to some extent.
Did you fly away?
No, I can’t fly. I jumped to the grass and went forward. It’s harder to walk here. Why did I leave? Nobody forced me… It must be an instinct of selfpreservation… Such trips can’t be long. I’m just an ant! It’s more difficult to walk along the ground as if trudging through the woods, as there are many obstacles and sticks. I can see many of my kind. Everybody goes somewhere. Some bears something. I also have an intention to grab something, I need to. Heaps of ants. We are all moving to the anthill. I’ve taken something and bear it. I think it is on my back. Wow, it’s a big bulk!
Hah, I haven’t met an ant yet!
Haha, for me it’s also something new! That’s all… Lots of small holes… I put my burden and went home, to the hole. Lots of holes and everybody goes on his own, nobody disturbs… I cannot comprehend… There is such a strict order here! Everybody stirs, goes somewhere.
Are there passages inside? Is there a forbidden place or a place where you should be?
There are passages, ants go there… We walk inside and outside. In the passages we are not so active, we might sleep there.
Is there a “maternity hospital” with eggs?
Hum…
Look who lays them? What is your relationship?
I don’t know. I don’t care a pin!
Do you sleep or have some rest?
Now I stay at one place.
Do you stand or seat? How do the ants sleep?
Ants? I tucked my legs, that’s all.
And lay on your belly?
Yes.
Do you have some private space?
Nobody annoys me, I’m safe here. I can see the dim light coming through the passage. I hear! The anthill is not silent.
Does it buzz?
It buzzes, it’s alive, it’s stirring. There is no solitude here. I feel there are lots of us. Nobody sleep but get ready to sleep. I feel comfortable, warm and dry. I don’t want to go anywhere by myself. Hum…
What?
The life is simple.
How did you die?
Somebody treaded on me with a huge boot, I had noticed it too late. I’ve died immediately. Since you have asked me I suddenly saw this boot, this sole of a man’s shoe, immense and grooved. The boot even has a label! The sole is clean and the label is clearly seen, it’s written with symbols. (Now I can figure out that these are hieroglyphs). The boots are heavy. They smashed me in a tractor sort of way. 
You’ve left the body. Look at your murderer. 
A man, a very hefty man… I’m flying, my soul is so tiny like a dandelion fluff. It’s so weightless and light! I see pink blossoms of a clover kind. I’m fluttering above!
Is it a soul or a butterfly?
It’s a soul!
Is it going somewhere?
Yes. I feel like staying here. It’s the first time I see from such highness. I can see a bee crawling about in a flower. I used to ramble along the earth… I can smell honey! It’s so redolent! Now I see a fox’ muzzle, how did she appear here? Again the stare of a predator. It seems that I’m in a living body. I can see the gaze of a fox, she is stiffed. It’s difficult to make out who I am. The fox seems to press herself to the ground. She gets anxious and runs away.
What do you do now?
It’s hard to tell. My soul drops in different bodies with their own souls. 
Wait, Elena, maybe you haven’t been killed but hurt? Maybe you see some episodes of the ant’s life?
Maybe…
Do you still feel the ant’s body?
No. Maybe it is coma… I don’t know what it is. Too many muzzles! It rushes through my mind.
There is a wellknown point that the whole life rushes through mind at the moment of death.
Maybe, but everything seems to be too natural and long for an ant’s life. But who knows! I see not ants but animals. They might strike him, draw his attention. Now I see a hedgehog’s muzzle with sharp nose. Birds look at him.
Do they attempt?
Yes. Their eyes so predatory…
I’ve had it! It’s too much!
Is the body still alive?
It seems so.
Do you feel twitching sometimes?
I don’t feel ease… These nightmares bring me pain and suffering. Now I see a passage with flowers on every side and a point in front where I’m darting. Maybe these are not flowers? The color is pink and silver.
All right, where are you going? You see a point, is it aggressive or indifferent to you?
It’s just the way to see the direction for me. The space… I’m having rest here… as if I came here to relax.
All right, relax.
I feel very comfortable, just excellent!
Can you move?
I can swing. I had to reach this point and I did it.
Have you got a feeling that you are to join something?
No. I have a sense that I have to rest here.
Ok.
I have to be there for some time like in a sanatorium. I don’t know for how long, nobody hastens me. I’ll be there as long as I need. It seems that I’ve been here for a long time and I will be there for ages.
What induces you to leave this space and to embody again?
Hum, curiosity I consider.
Find the moment you decide to embody again. How does this intention appear, why? 
I feel fine, but now I feel cramped, although the space is endless. I suddenly realize that I feel not dull but cramped. I wanna move.
Do you have a choice?
My relaxation has lasted too long and I’m eager to shake up somehow… My soul seems to rest enough and I fall down. I feel like I’m melted fire with clear white glow.
Do you have an aim, where do you go?
I’m wondering where I’m going to. I don’t wait for anything definite. I’ve already fallen somewhere!
Where? Look before the incarnation.
I can’t figure out yet. It’s soft! Oh!..
Is it coitus?
May be… I see… it’s like a bellybutton, it’s glittering and I’ve entered it! I’m in the moment of fecundation. 
Maybe it’s not a bellybutton?
It’s like a crater!
Is it fine there?
Very nice, warm and soft… very exciting!
Exciting for you?
For me.
Ok, how do you develop there?
I’m a small rolled up embryo. I can lay differently, even on my belly!
Is it a human body?
Yes.
Do you still remember the space where you came from?
I feel like keep on resting. I feel the body I’m in walking. I sense steps.
Is the voice of this body pleasant?
Yes, very pleasant.
And what about the other, man’s voice?
I can’t hear it, I hear some sounds but cannot distinguish them.
Do you hear the language?
Difficult to say. The timbre is nice for me. 
Does the woman know that she bears you?
Yes, we talk, I hear some words, her emotions are addressed to me.
Is it love?
It definitely is. She strokes the belly, I feel it, it’s so pleasant! She walks cautiously not to harm me. 
Is your father near?
I don’t know. My mother’s body is all for me! I’m cramped… I want to stir, to stretch, to move…
Do you stir?
Yes.
Can you figure out your sex?
I might be a boy. I want to stir more and more.
The head in upside or downside?
It’s upside, but I can turn! It’s easier to stretch when my legs are downside. Now my head is downside.
Have you turned?
Yes, and I want to go away, as I feel the exit.
Is the term big?
It is. I’m big, and my head… I want to go away. I feel like I’m trudging. I feel interest and want to go away!
Is it difficult?
No. It is like digging something… The head sticks, it is cold…
Don’t you feel threat?
No. It is an extreme situation, I don’t think about any threat, I just want to get out.
Did you manage to do it?
It’s over… I was taken on hands. I didn’t feel my body entering, my head only. I feel bright light, but my eyes are closed, I feel high temperature, it’s uncomfortable. I want to come back.
Who are you?
I’m a blackhaired boy. I am sleek, I think I wear a shirt. I’m keeping silent. I’m slapped and I start to cry… The water is warm… I don’t cry anymore, I want to come back. I’m asleep, I’ve been swaddled.
Have you seen your mother?
I was shown to her. I remember the smell of her body. It is the same.
Is her breast warm?
Yes, warm and big. The nipple is tiny, I can’t suck. I don’t know what to do.
You’ll learn.
I suck and fall asleep, I’m  calm. I don’t cry. I feel love and caress. 
Did you learn how to suck milk?
Yes.
Judging by conditions what time is it?
I suppose, the beginning of 20th century. 
Have you seen your father?
I know there is a man, but I haven’t met him yet.
Do you feel your mother’s love? Are you always fed and dry?
Everything is just excellent. There are many people but they do not mean so much as mom. I know her arms only. Others touch me too, but they are all strange. I grow, I toddle. May be, it’s not the beginning of the 20th but the end of 19th century. This is some mansion. It is early fall. I walk along the leaves, the trees are so high. I toddle, I’m 1,5 years old, nobody holds my hand, but people are near.
Do you know your father? What are your relations?
Our relations are not so close as with mom. My dad… I came after him. He is young and handsome, who is stricter to me than mom. Still I’m attracted to him, but I feel he keeps me at arm’s length. My mom is kind like a pillow. Daddy is always estranged, may be it is his mask.
Are you a firstborn?
Yes, my parents are young. I have got a geegee and many nice toys. The family is well-to-do.
Where it is geographically?
It’s Europe. May be the middle region of Russia.
Did you manage to survive or you die of disease in early age? Do you have brothers, sisters?
I see myself a teenager, but I recollect my father only young.
Has he disappeared?
I remember him young. He wears a military costume. I look like him.
Does your mother live alone?
I think so.
What happens next? You have your own world and friends. Do you love any girl? What is your hobby?
I think I have humanitarian way of thinking.
Do you draw?
No, I’m more like a writer or philosopher. I watch the life attentively.
Are you able to live like this because of your fortune?
No, my fortune is not that big. I can’t afford travelling. I depend on money.
Do you read a lot?
I used to it in my early age and teenage. Now it’s comprehension as if after some tragic events or before making a choice.
Do you have any books now?
It’s a home library. I think, it’s Volter.
Is it written in Cyrillic alphabet?
Yes.
How does your life go on? Are you rich?
I’m rich in my personality, welleducated, but unsteady.
Is it because you’ve lost your father?
Yes, something must have happened. But it is not the point. The point is in my soul – it is confusion. No life sense.
What does it bring?
Melancholy turning into pessimism, lack of activity and nonrealization.
Had you found yourself when grew up?
I repeated my father’s life. I don’t have a family. I’m about 3035, I live with my mom. I have great affection towards her. My mother is the most important woman in my life. Well, I fell in love in my youth but mother is just a goddess for me.
Does it disturb?
It disturbs all relations!
And spiritually?
I’ve no spiritual relations!
How does your life end? Does your mother die earlier?
Yes.
How do you go through this?
It’s one of the biggest ordeals in my life! I feel so lonely and lost. It lasts for 3,4,5 years.
Did you overcome it? Does anybody help you?
I’m a lonely man. I’ve lived alone for all my life.
Is this solitude harmonious?
No, it isn’t. It is kind of masochism, I’m very egoistic person. I love myself most. May be it is a complex of father and son? I wasn’t attached to my father, I’m afraid to be a father. I don’t need a family and affection towards a woman.
All right. How do you die?
My loneliness turned me into an old man too early. I had a heart attack in the library.
Do you live in parents’ house?
It is the same place.
Find the moment of your death.
I was reading Valter. This house is all the same.
Do you keep your mother in your head?
It seems so… I try not to change anything and keep my habits. I’m annoyed by every single change. I live spiritual life not emotional. I’ve got no friends, only neighbors. I think I’m an arrogant person who doesn’t need anyone.
When you die do you see your mistakes?
Hum… no.  These were no mistakes, it’s just because my father didn’t love me like my mother, so I thought that I should be the same. I should love only those who love me, but it’s difficult to feel if you are not able to love. I consider this feeling came in early childhood and grew into egoism and misanthropy. 
All right. Find the moment of your death!
My heart hurts, I feel keen pain. It is sunny morning, I’m on my study after the breakfast. It has happened suddenly. I was choking… hard to breathe… I wanted to get up but I was knocked with pain.
How do you feel now? Any tension?
Yes. I feel convulsion and I can’t settle down. My body grows limp and I fall on the chair. I clutch the handles and my head falls on my chest.
Did the soul leave?
Yes, it is like a small ball lightning.
Are you soaring? Do you pity your abandoned body?
It looks poor and weak. I feel pity. I feel sorry for its life was so absurd.
Elena, you had a mission when you embodied in this body. Have you completed it? Do you think that you’ve done your work?
No. It seems that the soul failed to complete the mission, to learn how to love. I feel chagrined and upset. It was my fault. I tried to do my best but was so deaf, I only felt disappointment. I never felt compassion. I left it so easily and it seems good that I didn’t suffer more.
Good. What space is around you now?
Energetic level of this space is much lower, its color is dusky blue. I’m oval, grey, ablaze with silver light, I’ve got a tail that crumbles when I move.
Does the space blame you for your life?
Nay!
Do you feel harmony?
Yes. To be here is more pleasant than to soar in it. It’s like no tense and no color here.
Should we finish?
-     Yes.

Life of an Englishwoman Isabelle, a professional taster.

What do you see with your inside look?
I see something reminding a whirlpool, sometimes it disappears and I see a blinking cobweb. I feel soothed. There is a white point in the center of the whirlpool, it is enlarging and breaking into parts, it looks like starry sky.
Try to feel your body and its position in the episode. 
It seems that I stand on something hard, I can see unquiet water. It is not the storm but not the calm either.
Are you barefoot or in some shoes?
I have some shoes.
Do you hear the murmur of the sea and the wind? What temperature is it now?
I hear the wind and the sea, it is not cold. It is early evening. 
Are you a human? A man or a woman?
I’m a human, a woman. I wear something light. It is summer. My dress is of middle length, not tight, very light, without a belt.
What is its color?
It is bluish gray, without any print.
Why did you come here?
I don’t know. I just like the sea. I stand on the pier waiting for nobody.
Where did you come from? Come back to one hour.
I’m in a house, but it is not inhabited. The building is weird, it is gray and triangle. I wear strict clothes – a jacket and a skirt. Judging by my outfit it is 6070 or maybe nowadays. 
What are you doing there? Are you alone or is there someone else?
It seems there are some people, but I can’t see them. It is the office I’m working at. 
Describe it.
I have got a table, I sit at it. There is some paper and some devices on it. 
Look at your hands, describe them. 
 The hands? They look the same as now. I can hear a noise in the room. I wear shoes with high heels. I’m about thirty. 
What do you do? Are you the manager?
I don’t think so, but nobody disturbs me. There is a huge window instead of the wall. Some cars and buildings are seen through it. I see a red car without a roof, it is a cabriolet.
Is it yours?
I think, no.
What do you feel now?
I’m in working spirit, I look through the papers. There is a PC in front of me, I don’t know how to work with it (in this life at least).
Judging by cars, what time is it?
It might be 50s. The street is empty, there are no green trees. 
What country is it judging by the architecture?
The architecture is gothic, the buildings seen through the window are ancient and the dwelling I’m in has another style.
Do you wear any jewellery, rings or earrings?
I wear something on my neck. I’m dressed in a peachcolored suit. 
Do you have a family?
No, it seems. It is the end of a working day, there is somebody around, but no one works next to me. I treat them calmly. I think I’m the manager, I want to treat them like children. They all wear strict European suits. They work behind the transparent partition, they smoke. 
Do you smoke?
Me – no. The day seems to end, the sun has disappeared. I think it is dusk. I’m going to go to the shore. The partitions in our office are transparent. It is the end of a working day, there is a movement behind the wall. It’s strange – the sleeve of the suit is short, it must be warm outside. I’m going to leave.
Do you have anything in your hands?
Yes, a bag with long handles, it is small and elegant. I look at the mirror. 
Describe yourself. 
I’m of a medium height, a bit taller than I am now. My hair is maroon, thick and fluffy, it covers the middle of my neck. I have got silver chain on my neck. I wear a summer suit, a short skirt and a light singlebreasted jacket with two buttons. The collar is smooth-shaped. It is 50-60 now. I go to the street, I see a long blue vehicle in front of the porch, its windows are tinted. The door opens. I don’t see the man in the car but he asks me: “May I bring you home?” I say, “No, thanks, I want to take a walk”.
Why didn’t you get in?
This man seems mean to me. He looks smug, his hair is shiny. He invited me very politely. I go up the street, it is empty. It looks like England. The street is narrow, there is an ascent. I walk easily and I feel fine.
Don’t your highheeled shoes disturb your walking?
The shoes… they have interesting color – mat gray and beige. The color is unusual, I don’t even know if I have ever seen such a color in my present life. They match to my bag. I keep on walking. There is a house on my left, it is a small mansion with brick fence. There are flowers behind it, roses. 
Is it your house?
Yes, it is mine. I go into the yard, the gate is open, I walk up the porch. Everything is of pinkbeige color. The roses are tea-coloured – pink and yellow, there are no dark ones. I like roses. The garden is small and cosy. I get the keys out of my bag, I open the door with my right hand. It’s cool in the house but comfortable. 
Describe your house.
The hallway is small and dark, made of wood. I put off my shoes and go further barefoot. The floor is covered with a carpet. The hall is narrow, it has no windows. Two mat bras hang on the walls. There is a wide wooden door with glazed interlaces, it might be kitchen there. There is no one at home, I enter the small room behind the kitchen. This is a cloakroom. I put my clothes off, take a towel and go to the bathroom.
What are you thinking about now?
I’m always thinking about my forthcoming walk to the shore. 
Why do you want to go there?
I’m attracted to it. Now I’m taking the shower, it’s so nice, the streams flow down the body so pleasantly. I go out the bathroom, wrapped in the towel, and go to the kitchen barefoot. I leave wet footprints on the floor. I make coffee, it is already milled, it is stored in a square tin. I make the coffee in a coffee pot. Now I see the kitchen. The furniture is dark (Now it seems unpleasant to me). The table is small, covered with a chequered blue and white tablecloth. The chairs have high backs. The coffee is ready, I drink it without sugar, it smells delicious. The shape of the cup is odd, lotuslike. The cup is very thin. I’ve started to drink standing, now I sit down, drink with delight and look at the window. I see the trees. The house has high base, the window is on high level. I see the sunset, it’s calmly all around. 
What is your name?
I don’t know, nobody called me by name. I’ve drunk my coffee. I’m still wrapped in the green towel. I put my cup into the sink. I go upstairs. The ceilings are high. Trees and mountains are seen through the window. The sun declines over the mountain. The furniture is high and dark, full of different cabinets. Bright light is coming through the huge window. I don’t want to see this light, I walk up the small, wooden stairs. There is a bedroom on the right. It seems that I live alone. It is tidy everywhere. I don’t clean this house but it is neat, I have a housemaid, I consider. I put on the dress I’ve mentioned above, it looks like made of petals, it is light but not transparent. The silk is very delicate. This dress is gorgeous. The wardrobe is stuffed with clothes, but this one immediately attracted my attention. 
What shoes do you choose?
I have got two shells with shoes. I choose opentoe sandals. These sandals are with corked soles, the heels are not high. They are light gray and beige. I dislike my orange nail polish, so I put off my sandals and sit down on a spinning chair in front of the mirror. My hair is still wet. I open the cabinet and take a piece of cotton wool. I erase my nail polish. I throw a cotton wool into the ashtray. I must be smoking. I take a hairdryer and dry my hair. 
Describe your room.
There is a long chest on the right and a niche with a bed. 
What makeup do you have?
I have a lot of small dark jars (now I don’t have such makeup now and I’ve never seen it before). They are custommade. The hairdryer is dark. I see an interesting box now with some jewellery, not much of it. I’m not fond of it. I take baby-pink nail polish in a lower drawer, I paint my nails with it. The window is open, the breeze brings freshness in the room. There is also a small balcony with a wicker chair and a mat. I’m in fine mood, I have no thoughts. 
    I know, why I should go to the pier – I go to meet the ship. I’m not worried. I’m just going to go there. I hear the bell ringing, I go downstairs and open the door. It is a postman. 

How does he call you?
The postman smiles to me like an old friend, he wears uniform. He calls me “miss”. He called my name, but I didn’t catch it. I throw the bulk of newspapers, given to me, on the desk. I have to go, I take the bag and go out. The street is empty. Small yellow and pink houses stand on the right, and on the left there is a strange dwelling and a storehouse on a steep. The sea is behind the steep, now I’m walking down to it. I see a crowded palace with lots of kiosks. This is a port. I go slowly and grow a bit anxious. 
Who are you waiting for?
I don’t know. I stand on the shore, it’s already twilight. 
Do you feel alarm? 
No, I feel a bit chagrined, the ship hasn’t arrived. I saw it in my dream while my nail polish was drying. I go home by another, longer road that goes through the park near to my office. I walk up a hill. The red car stands at the same place. It’s twilight. I open the gate, flowers are so fragrant. There is light on the kitchen. I ring the bell. A girl opens the door, she might be a maid. I’m tired, I put off the shoes. She takes my bag. She tells something, I don’t pay attention. She says that the supper is on the table. I’m not hungry.
What are your emotions?
I don’t know how to explain. It is kind of sadness, but not as if I’ve lost somebody. I feel  like I’m deadly tired. I walk along the hall, there is a door on the right, it’s dark there, I enter it. It is either a study or a library. There is a table, a nightlamp and a big armchair. I sit on it and open the table, there is a letter there. I take it, it is not new, I’ve already read it. 
Do you look through it?
No, I roll it up and put into the drawer. 
What is it about?
I know, but I don’t want to think about it. I’m overwhelmed with indifference. 
What has provoked it? 
I can’t figure it out. May be that were just dreams, when I was on the shore, I knew that I wouldn’t meet anyone. I just wanted to be there. 
What makes you go to the sea? Do you have any problems or sorrows?
I don’t feel sorrow. Watching the water in twilight soothes me. I delight in doing this. And when I walked home… these high trees, silence, emptiness, the moon and the dusk…
Isn’t it dangerous?
No, absolutely. I feel no anxiety but I feel exhausted. I don’t know what it is. I seat on the armchair, it’s getting cold, I make up my mind to go to sleep. I blame myself that I don’t go to the bathroom. I walk upstairs, put the dress off and throw it in the wardrobe (usually I don’t act like this). I have no makeup, so I don’t have to wash it away. The room is lighted with a street lamp. I lie on my bed and I’m cold. From the opened window I hear the cicadas singing. I am dormant.
Find some crucial moments of your life! Did you find love?
I’m quit and calm. I like my life. I don’t sleep yet, I decide to change the bedclothes, they are cold and silky. I’m getting cold, I want to put something on. I’m alone at home. I hear cars driving, but they do not disturb my inner harmony. 
Did you change your bedclothes?
No, I’m lazy and I feel drowsy. I look into the opened wardrobe and think that I shouldn’t scatter everything. I can’t sleep. I get up, switch the TV on and sing. I put the dress into the wardrobe. That’s why I couldn’t sleep – I should put the dress away. I switch the tube off. Now I will sleep.
What are you thinking about?
I’m thinking about the vacations. It is morning. Now I understand the planning of my house: there is a bedroom with a big window upstairs. There is also a balcony with flowers in ceramic pots. The flowers are unusual – they have motley leaves. The trunk is thick, covered with tiny flowers (in my present life I’ve never seen anything like this). The morning is bright. I wake up. I have to go to work. I wear a short dressing gown, I’m barefooted. I walk down and take a shower. I go to the kitchen. Somebody has switched the kettle on, it whistles. I make coffee at the same pot, it is clean, but there is no one home. I drink coffee but do not eat, I’m not hungry. I walk upstairs, dress up and do not put anything away. I open the wardrobe and choose a violet dress. It is light, sleeveless and very short. I put it on and go out. 
Do you wear the same shoes?
No. I think about all the details of my outfit. I go downstairs. I see a red car with a driver. He says that we must go somewhere, we have an appointment. I don’t get in, I think that I should put on some other clothes. At the end I get in, we drive downhill, the seat is low and comfy. The driver is familiar. He seems to feel guilty, I don’t know why. We drive alongside of the sea. Suddenly the rain begins. While the tent was rising, we got wet. The car has sopped. I’m shaggy, how can I go somewhere? We turn back. I sent him to the study. I go upstairs and take the hairdryer. I go down and give it to him. His hair is fluffy, pale yellow. He is about thirtythirty five. He is tanned but his face is very plain. I go upstairs again to change my clothes.
What clothes do you choose?
I hesitate… I want to put on these black shoes, but it’s warm outside. Still I put them on. They have high hells. I like high heels. I put on a gray suit, the skirt is middlelength. I look stunningly. I go downstairs. My driver’s shirt is wet and I have no man clothes. I offer him to buy it but he says he’s ok. He wears a short-sleeved red shirt. He dried it with the hairdryer. I offered him some coffee but he refused – we were late. There is no rain, its wet and warm, the sand, the path to the house is made by, is already dry. The morning was so bright!
We are late and we go by another road not that one that leads to the sea. It’s beautiful all around, very neat, the air is fresh, I see neither yardmen, nor cars. The road goes along the steeps, we go uptown. The town is small. (I might be delirious… But can you feel the seat of the car, and moving? – Yes, the body is mine and I feel it perfectly.)
Where did you arrive?
We are still driving. The road turns to some rawine. It’s not far from my house. There is a castle or something on the rock. I can’t understand how it could have been built there. I’ve seen such a dwelling in AbrauDurso in my life. This castle reminds me the wine factory I saw there. We drive up to the big door, I get out. There are about seven cars near. This is a parking, it is under a shed as if it’s in a mountain. We enter the building. Intricate lamps hang on the walls. We go upstairs. The stairs are old and covered with something fleecy. We go to the hall.
Is anybody there?
Yes, there are people. We enter and sit down. Judging by the setting, it is a conference. There are women but not many. Everybody is sitting. It a wine congress!
Do you make wine?
It seems so. Now I see that there is a door and the tables, covered for tasting. The congress is very important. I’m absentminded, I have no interest in it. Why? May be I’m a trader? Now a man is speaking, he is old, bold and short. He speaks French, I understand him. 
Is English your native language?
I don’t know, but I understand it. He speaks and shows some deep claret red drink in a flask. He speaks vigorously, his bold spot is sweat, he blots it with a handkerchief.  
What is the name of the wine?
I don’t know. Something distracts me. 
What?
I see a man entering the hall, he wears a sport shirt, he gives me a wave and sits near me. He is an old friend of mine. I feel tranquility and don’t listen to this bold speaker. The report about this wine has finished, the speaker offers to taste it. I stood up and went. The man runs to me, his name is Serge. He says, “I’m so very glad, Isabella!” We embrace joyfully, we go to taste the wine. We sit on the window sill, chatter and smile, I’m glad to see him. 
Do you love him?
I don’t think so… The bold man comes to us offering the wine. I know him too. He talks fatherly to me, he asks, “how are you?” I taste the wine.
Is the wine dry or fortified? 
The wine is very unusual. The glasses are big, the shape is the same as for brandy. The color of the wine is clear, it is not dense but the flavour is unique. I’m a specialist, I know the wines. This wine makes you fly, it tastes delicious! I like it very much, I hug this bold man, he smiles. He is over sixty, he is plump, mobile, his eyes are dark. I thank him sincerely, I like the wine. I ask him about the name of this wine, he says, “it’s a secret!” I go to Serge, he says that he has already tasted it somewhere. I’m so excited, I think it is the best wine I’ve ever tasted. Serge feels low for some reason.
We taste everything. I ask Serge why is he so sad. He says he had a long way and he is tired. We go away. I can’t remember the name of the driver who brought me there. The driver asks me will I come to work and what to say to the boss. I say I will call. We go to the porch, the car drives up, we sit on back seat and go. I don’t pay attention to environment, I think about something. I might be somehow connected with that man. I look at him and see new wrinkles, he looks exhausted. We go out on the shore, where I stood yesterday. Suddenly I begin to feel anxiety.
Are you afraid that he can tell something unpleasant?
No, I just wander if I was I glad to see him. We are just standing on the shore, he keeps silent. 
Does the car wait for you?
The car waits for us. This car is long and black. We didn’t communicate with the driver during the journey. I say I must call the boss. He asks me for permission to leave. I say he may try. He says, “we may call from the car”, we sit and call. The boss’ voice is not young. He asks me about Maurice. Maurice is that old French who told about the wine. I say Maurice is perfect and the wine is a million dollars. The boss couldn’t visit the presentation, so Maurice sent him a bottle of that wine. The boss asks me about my opinion about the wine, I’m qualified, he relies me completely. 
Do you ask for permission to leave today?
I want to ask but I don’t understand if I really want him to let me be free today. I have a feeling that I don’t want any changes that may happen. He asks about Serge, then he says, “you may be free today. I wait for you tomorrow 9 o’clock.” I thanked him.
Is Serge glad?
He is worried, he looks at the window. I hang up the receiver. Serge asks me, “What did he say?” Yes, I’m free today. I want to ask him but I’m afraid. 
Are you affected to him?
I can’t tell. I can’t describe this feeling. We go to my place and let the car. I offer him to go to the sea if he would drive a car. It appears that there is a garage with a car under my balcony but I can’t drive a car. I want to change my clothes, I ask him where is his clothes, he says he doesn’t need anything. We enter the house, I’m thirsty. I take a bottle with mineral water. The bottle is not plastic but ceramic. I go upstairs. I put on a deep blue swimming suit and a yellow frock, I take sandals and go downstairs. I’ve forgotten my hat so I come back. I find it, it is made of straw, I like it. Now I remember that I forgot my glasses, but I don’t want to come back. Serge is sad. I’m cheerful, I might be an egoist. He is tired, he hasn’t slept. He says, “I got on the plane in Paris at night, it was raining”. I offer him to have a rest, he says he will rest on the beach. We go out of the back door, I give him the key of a garage. He opens the garage, it is dusty there.
The car is yellow and reminds the red one. But the red looked “chubby” like Rubens’ women. Mine is more simple and smaller with two seats. We drive. We arrive to the beach. We park the car under the trees. We sit down on the sand. It feels like we are going to talk, but I don’t want to. 
Does Serge insist on this talk?
I don’t know. He is indifferent and very sad. I think he is tired. I don’t want to seat, I put off the frock and throw it into the car. I go to swim. The water is warm, it’s shallow here. I go into the water not turning around. The water is limpid. This is a bay, some low buildings are seen on the opposite side. Now the water is on the level of my shoulders. I should go back, I consider. I don’t know what he wants from me. I don’t want anything. I swim easily. The water is salty. Serge sits in clothes, he is making something of sand, but doesn’t go well. He puts off his shoes and turns up his trousers. I sit down next to him. It’s splendid, the sand is soft and clear. He is not eager to swim, he is sad. I grow irritated, I think, “What for did we arrive here?” I feel good. I like the sea and I like swimming. I ask him, “Will you swim?” No, he doesn’t want. I say, “Let’s go out of here then”. I go to the water and wash the sand off. I get into the car in the wet swimming suit, the seats are made of leather, so they won’t get wet. 
Look at the last days of your life.
We died.
In the car?
No, we flew in France and fell down.
What for did you fly there?
I don’t know. Serge said that we should be there.
Did it happen after Serge’s visit to you?
Yes.
Have you flown on planes before?
Yes, I have flown many times. 
Describe the plane.
It’s not big but not private. I don’t know why I fly with him, but he has persuaded me. Turning in upon myself I think if I really need it. 
What happened with the plane? What thoughts did you have before the air crash?
We didn’t crash, we fell into the English Channel. That was all. Water, bubbles… I feel no pain. I see myself sinking from aside. 
Did you feel fear before that?
No, I didn’t expect this. We talked about something important, he held my hand. I didn’t feel that falling, I see myself sinking, but I don’t see him.
Describe me how it is all happens?
I’m dressed in a frock, I look dead, I don’t move. I see the water, I plunge into it. My hair is rising. The water is limpid, I don’t feel sadness. I’m deep underwater. I reached the bottom and disappeared there. Algae, silt and nothing more…
Describe your shape now.
I’m a sea animal… I’m a dolphin, I rise up, jump out and swim again.
Are there any dolphins near?
No, I’m alone. 
Let’s go through the last moments of your life again. Are you scared?
No, I didn’t feel anything special. The only thing is Maurice, he makes me feel high, I mean, he jokes very smart and I like it. I feel strong emotions but not because I’m in love with him or something, just I like him being so smart. 
Go through your death again…
I don’t have a sense of death. As soon as I began to sink, I started to feel myself as a dolphin. 
What are your inner senses?
I feel joy that I dipped into the water.
What is around you?
Water, ‘cause I’m a dolphin!
Who told you this?
Me. I think so. I saw myself in this shape.
From aside?
Yes. So is it not me? Yes, it’s not me. The dolphin swims and having fun.
Do you look from above?
Yes!
Feel your shape now.
I want to get out of water.
Is the body still alive?
I don’t know.
Do you feel regret for your body?
No. I see a mountain, I go to it. I’m a light blue substance.
Are the edges glowing?
Yes, they do a bit. I want to mount the hill, there is the yellow and orange light there. It is on the top. There is a big house there, the light is inside, it attracts me.
What are your feelings?
I have a feeling that my family lives there. I can see people at the window. There are children. A boy about five… he wears shorts on straps and a checked shirt. He is so curly.
Did you enter the house? How do you look now, the same substance?
I look at the window. I’m a tall woman with blond hair, I’m taller than I was, I’m barefooted. 
What time is it?
This is a house with a fireplace. A girl wears a long dress.
You look to the window. Are you the mother of these children?
It looks so. There is also an old man, their granddad. 
How old are you?
I’m not old. I’m younger than Isabelle. About 26, I suppose. The boy is about five, the girl is younger, she wears a long dress with large lower part. The children wear striped socks. The shoes are odd – leather, high and smooth. They are handmade because the holes for shoelaces are without mount. 
Are you happy now?
I’m happy to see them, to take care of them.
How long had you been happy? Did you bury your father? Did you manage to bring up your children? When did you die in this life?
Yes, the children are adult. I live in this house. I see my children, they came to visit me, they are so cute. 
Do you know your name?
I don’t.
Do you die at a grate age?
Yes, I think so. I’m gray, I wear a cap. I sit on the armchair, the fire burns in the fireplace. There is nobody there, a cat lies near the fireplace. The children sleep upstairs, they came to visit me. I die suddenly here, in this armchair, looking at the fire.
How do you feel your body? Is it washedout and tired?
No, I feel fine. I feel peace. I know that my children are here, they are all right. I sit on the armchair, I’m falling asleep. I feel like I’m dying, but I see myself from aside. I see my children come at morning and find me. 
Are you in the shape of that substance again?
No, the substance is behind the window. It is glittering white. 
Do you feel pity for your body?
Yes, I don’t want to leave it. I soar above the mountain, there is a blue light there. I feel different than it previous death. That time I didn’t feel regret, now I do, I do not want to leave my children. Everything is blue around.
Well, it’s great. Do you feel easiness?
Yes. This space pushes me above. It might be exhaustion of this space, it’s turning white. It is beautiful there, I’m alone, it’s warm. I feel so fine!

Tomsk, 1997

Three-toed alien.

− I see equilateral cross with weak yellow glow around it… It’s gone deep into the space. There appeared fuzzy pale lilac spots…

− Do you have any associations?

− Like outer space… I feel like I’m moving forward and up in the space, even more up. I’m flying somewhere…    

− What emotions do you feel about this moving?

− Flying sense. Yes, I’m flying!

− Perceive your flying body and describe the atmosphere.

− The sense of lightness, quiet and calmness… I just feel my body in the space, without any support.

− Please, look through and tell me the information that you have in your Soul about this place. What do you need to see, to learn, to understand?

− It’s in the space. There is a planet in front of my eyes, a part of planet, I’m just near it and I can’t see the whole planet because of its size.

− Feel the position of your body? Do you have arms? In what position are your arms?

− Arms?… They hang free; there aren’t any devices or mechanisms around me… They are like other arms, not mine; they are unlike the arms I’m used to in my actual body. I can’t move them now. They are pressed close to the body. I feel I have two legs.

− The body, that you feel now, is it similar to your actual body?

− The sense of weightlessness…

− Are you fixed in the space? Take a look around. Are you flying through outer space in any flying machine?

− I think there is no flying machine; I fly alone, by myself.

− Do you have spacesuit on you? Or you can travel in the space without any protection?

− It looks like I have a spacesuit.

− How do you operate it?

− I’m just flying. There was a feeling that I was overturned and now I’m on my side.

− Is there a spaceship near you?

− No, there isn’t any.

− And what are your feelings, emotions?

− I feel so good and easy!

− What is your purpose, what should you do then? Have you felt your body in this incarnation?− I begin to feel my arms, but I still can’t move them. I have legs, but I can’t feel them too. It seems that I have a spacesuit but it fits me so well that I can’t feel it. A bright glow appears in front of me and I come to it slowly… It’s a shining spot and I move to it.

− What is your feeling when you see the shining spot?

− I’m glad! The spot disappeared… I feel my arms very thick and heavy… It’s very calm and easy inside the spacesuit but my arms are as thick as elephant’s feet. I reckon I have only three fingers on my hands.

− Can you feel them?

− Yes… two,… three. I have legs but I can’t feel it, they don’t hamper me. I feel unusual lightness! I’m full of calmness and happiness! That’s how it should be! I’m full of it!

− Please go back to the time when you were without spacesuit or when you put it on. Please explain what you see around you. What do you feel?

− I feel my big head… there are two eyes, big eyes, nose…

− Is there anybody like you?

− No, there is nobody around. There is something like sea ahead.

− Does it look like water mass or like a seacoast?

− It’s a strange sea, not an Earth sea.

− Explain in detail. What do you mean when you say “strange sea”?

− The color is black; dark skies… There is a red sun coming from the sea but all around is black, there is no light from the red sun.

− In what position are you – are you standing, sitting, lying?

− I’m standing… on my feet, on something strong and steady, I can’t see my feet. I’m standing with my legs apart and looking at the sun…

− What are you feeling right now in this place?

− I’m enjoying the picture I see. This sea is foreign to me. I’m broad-shouldered, more than in my actual body. I feel like a very young man, twenty-thirty years by human standards. My head is big, round and It seems like I have no hair.

− How long have you been standing? Is it sunset or sunrise?

− It’s a sunrise… The sea is very dark, even black, the sun is red and there is nothing else. The planet is very far from the Sun that’s why it’s ruby. I feel very comfortable here!

− Let’s go back to the moment you came to the seacoast.

− I came flying here in the spacesuit and landed in this place. I can’t understand whether the planet and the sun are foreign or mine.

− Are the sun and the sea familiar to you?

− Yes, they are well-known, well-known… I often see it. Now I landed on a planet to have a rest. I’m alone, there are neither neighbors nor enemies.

− Is it your native planet?

− No, I don’t think so… There is only me, the sea and the sun. The sea ripples slightly, is black and slow-moving.

− Do you want to swim in the sea?

− It’s not the water! Looks like water… It’s methane…

− Well! However that means that the temperature is very low!

− Yes... But it’s absolute comfort! I guess it’s Jupiter. Jupiter is a very big planet, the Sun is small and the horizon is wide…

− Do you live here or just visit this place from time to time?

− I can’t understand… It’s very nice here. Calm. There’s just a peace of rock under my feet, it’s like an island, and it’s hard.

− Is there anything interesting around you? Please tell!

− Something like bushes…

− Can you compare it with something on Earth?

− Spiny long thick needles… They are not so long and all are vertical. Something like fir-tree needles, but vertical, all these thick needles. They grow up right from the ground without branches. I think they are hard and brittle. I don’t touch them, just see. The color is dark-blue, almost black, as everything around – the sunshine is very weak on this planet. The sea is dark like ink – ammonia or methane? Neither cold nor hot, I feel good here! The only bright color – the small red disk of the Sun.

− Do you have spacesuit on you or not? Do you breathe often or it’s normal?

− No, I don’t feel the spacesuit. I breathe but very often.

− Do you always breathe often or you have to breathe quicker because of the rarefied atmosphere here?

− No, I always breathe often. It’s very comfortable here! Absolute comfort, frequent breathing. The sun is rising slowly!…

− Do you know your name in this body?

− No, it’s very difficult… I can’t understand. I want to find somebody, but I don’t see anybody. No one is calling me. I’m going step by step like humans do.

− How many toes do you have on your feet?

− I can’t see, there are shoes on my feet. Like boots, I think I’m in the spacesuit without a helmet. The suit is very light, as usual clothes. I see the sea; the bushes are on the left, the sea on the right glitters like mercury, reflecting reddish sunshine. The sea is viscous, the liquid is heavy.

− Can you draw up the liquid from the sea by your hand?

− I want to do this, I’m not afraid of it, I want to do this! It’s heavy; the temperature is comfort, it’s pleasant like drawing up the water here, on Earth on a hot day.   

− Did you see anything living in the liquid or on the land?

− There should be something living in the sea, but it’s dark, very difficult to see.  There are only these bushes on the land, nothing else.

− Well, is it your native planet or not?

− I don’t know… I’m walking and enjoying the sea and the coast… A ship,… ship…

− A sea ship or a spaceship?

− The spaceship… There are three legs, a half-round oval hatch and no windows. Looks like a thick cigar – short and small. The red sun is reflected on its outer sheet.

− Is the ship safe or there are debris?

− Safe,… safe,… I’m getting into it. The hatch is very close to the surface. I’m lifting up my right leg and getting inside. The room,… the screen displays everything outside the ship. It can’t be seen the interior space from the outside, but from the inside all around the ship is seen well. I see the sea and the coast. Looks like a small island. Black ocean… Well, I’ll fly further.

− Why did you come here?

− To have a rest!

− Did you know about the Earth by the time you were on Jupiter?

− Earth,… Earth… No, I didn’t. I’m alone in the ship. I’ve been here many times, I rest here. I come, enjoy and rest.

− You mean your civilization is so highly developed that you can travel to another planets or solar systems just to have a rest?

− Yes! Everything is native here as on my planet – native water, native air, it’s very calm and quiet! This planet is livable for me! It’s very nice to live and to rest here! Few islands… The comfort of solitude!

− Have you flown around the planet? Have you seen other islands?

− Of course I have flown, but I haven’t seen.

− All right. What are you doing next?

− I’m standing in my ship. There are seats like our armchairs. I’m sitting down… I’ll start when I want. There aren’t any consoles or control panels in the ship. It’s enough for me to want and to think and the ship will listen to me.

− What’s the impression from driving the ship with your mind, is it interesting?

− Yes, it’s very easy! I feel I can rule over everything – I can fly or stay as I wish. Now I’m just sitting and enjoying the view around. It’s an island, small island. Everything is black, the sun is red – it’s beautiful! I’m starting. Everything disappeared in a second, I’m in the spaceship above the planet.

− Is there any civilization on the planet?

− I think no, I’m alone here. I’m flying around the planet – it’s very big – Jupiter. There is a storm, a hurricane, a cyclone below. It was quiet in the place I was, whereas here is the cyclone with solid clouds. Well, good bye, let’s fly further!

− Where “further”, what do you mean? What is the speed?

− The planet is becoming smaller and smaller, I am flying very fast. My speed depends on my wish, it’s huge! I can stop at any moment and hover, no problem, or fly – no problem! Sometimes I stop and admire the stars.

− What is the purpose of your flight?

− I have to fly somewhere and I fly. There is another planet now, but it’s bad here…

− Why is it bad here? What is bad?

− I think it’s Mars… Reddish sand…

− Do you see the channels seen from the Earth?

− There are no channels, there are just chains of spots… They look like line from afar.

− Have you been on Mars before?

− I don’t want to land here, it is bad!

− Why is it bad?

− There is no that water, the atmosphere is wholly different. It was good there, here is bad. I need methane. I live on the planet like Jupiter, we have lots of methane. Our planet is very far in the other solar system. I travel. Whereas the Earth is wholly blue, I don’t want there, there is even worse, the atmosphere is toxic to me! It’s impossible to breathe there as on Mars, only in a spacesuit. I don’t even land there, pass by, by, by…

− There was the planet Phaeton in our solar system, did you see it?

− It’s near Jupiter, I saw it – only stones, stones, stones… But all these planets are foreign, and Jupiter is native – there is nice and nobody else!

− Can you find your planet you came from?

− It’s very far… far from here. I can easily return there. I’ve just decided to have a walk, to look the conservancy area. It’s a place to rest.

− However, can you return to your planet?

− I can do it, but I don’t want yet. I want to spend some time wandering in the space.

− Do you know other planets similar to Jupiter or to your planet?

− The best one is Jupiter! There are others further, but they are not so good. Sun is smaller, it’s cold and wholly dark there.

− What about Saturn and its rings?

− Here you are, - Saturn! I don’t want to land on it too. Its rings are stones, stones, stones… There is no civilization. But Jupiter is like mine, the same as where I live. Our planet is huge like Jupiter, the atmosphere and seas are alike… But it’s overpopulated; and here is quiet and empty.

− What can you tell about your native planet civilization? How far is it from our solar system?

− One can come there very fast, fly with the speed of mind. Due to this I can slow down at any point depending on my wish…

− Please describe the planet that is your home!

− The light home, yes,… the warm sun, the planet is very big…

− Please describe the landscape where you are.

− We will come and see it now. The planet has bright glitter like steel… There is good on Jupiter, it’s fresh there and the sun is red; here not, the sun is bright, different than on Jupiter. The bright sun, the glittering planet, it’s like Saturn’s ring. May be it’s artificial? Looks like ring, but it’s artificial. Some kind of belt around the planet…

− Do you live on it?

− It is livable, but they usually live on the planet. It’s wonderful there! The ring is a little further, but it is around the planet, they work here and on the planet they live, there are friends and relatives.

− Are you there now? Describe what are you?

− One can sit on the ring or get inside the ring. Here is a work place… All the names are simple and short. My name consists of a few sounds all of which are vowel: A-O-I… Something like that. My planet is very nice…

− Describe me the shape of people on the ring and on the planet.

− Big heads… It’s very bright, I can hardly see. The color of the planet is bluish-steel. There is like a shell of such color from above, and they live inside.

− What do you need the shell for? Have you occupied the planet before? Isn’t it your home planet?

− It became my home planet… The ring around is made by us. There is a big station inside. The sun is too bright for us here, the shell reduces the intensity of the sunshine. Our arms are longer then human’s, we have three fingers, I see it clear. Our legs are shorter…

− Do you touch the land with your hands while walking?

− No, the legs are not so short. The head is round with three eyes, two as usual and one between them. Everybody is dressed in silver suits and bareheaded, without helmets. We can walk free, it’s easy to breathe. The eyes are dark, I don’t see the color. We have a nose with two nostrils. A big mouth…

− How do you communicate with each other?

− Sometimes by words but rare, normally in silence – telepathically. You think and others understand you. I don’t know what to do now… I’m just walking.

− Keep walking and tell please if you have a family. And what social institutions exist in your civilization?

− I’m young. Our civilization can fly in any corner of the Universe…

− What fuel do you use?

− There is no fuel, you just sit and fly. With your mind. Wherever you want at the moment to any point in the Universe. You choose the speed of travel: instant, fast or slow – it’s your choice. You can stop at any moment you want on any interesting planet. Everybody is working at the station where I am now, nobody is standing idly by. I can’t understand what they are doing. I’m still young, I have no family, but there are like relatives, like brothers all around, though everybody is self-reliant. There is no need in family.

− At the beginning of the session you told you were a man. Are there any women? How do you breed?

− It’s difficult, I can’t understand. There are men all around me. The main aim is the Space. There is no connection to the planet, you come and can fly again!

− Do you fly for your pleasure or do you gather information in your flights and bring it to your planet?

− Both. We learn and mostly we fly just for pleasure, to find and to choose the place we like, we don’t like; to choose something pleasant to us. We have absolutely no aggression or evil inside, we don’t hurt anybody!

− Have you met any beings from other civilizations?

− There is a civilization on Earth, but conditions are unfavorable there. We fly near it but don’t get in touch. We have contacts with other civilizations, some of them are similar to us, others not. But we don’t communicate with Earth-like civilizations, they haven’t reached our level yet.

− Have you personally ever been on planets which level of development is close to yours?

− Yes, yes, of course. There are a lot of such civilizations and we fly to each other. They are like brothers but don’t look like us. I can’t see them now but I know they exist… We can communicate, visit each other, cooperate, talk; we have the same aim – the Space that is our home! Some planets in outer space are similar to Earth, but we don’t come into contact with them – they haven’t grown! It’s not interesting…

− Do you observe the growth of other civilizations? Do you control it?

− No, we don’t watch and don’t help. There is no need. Space is my home – I fly wherever I want! I’m young. There is no age for us.

− How long do you live?

− Oh, very long! We live so long as we want!

− But if your soul is in another body now, then you left the body of the alien some time ago! Find the moment of dying and tell about it!

− You can live so long as you want and die when you want if it gets boring. When you’ve tried everything, flied everywhere you wanted, boredom appears and provokes a death wish. There are no unforeseen contingencies or tragedies in Space, we know the life of the Space in integration. It’s like a toy which you like and know, and understand all about it. That’s why everything always can be warned or prevented.

− If you live there always, then how can you explain that now you are in the body of S.V., here on Earth?

− I live there always and came here for a short time… I can’t understand what life is and what death is? What is the death for, whereas life is so beautiful?

− Nevertheless, find the last moment of your life in the body of the alien A-O-I!

− Now I see. It’s a hall where are many others like me, lying… I’m lying down and just passing out like others…

− What does it mean “just passing out”?

− Lying down and going out of the body. Now I see my body from the outside.

− Describe me the body you have just left.

− The head is round but it has changed its shape – it’s cone-shaped now (like a bucket), or there is something put on and my face is inside it, the body is in a spacesuit… That's it! I’m leaving…  I’m like a silver cloudlet now… I’m flying somewhere… I’m worried – I feel sorry for my body.

− If you can come back then do it!

− No, I can’t… There is a light and I fly forward! It’s a silver sphere… I’m getting closer, it’s warm, even hot! I’m excited – it’s a meeting, a very joyful meeting! I join the infinity! It’s very good here! I don’t even know who I am. There is only silver glow around and it’s very pleasant to join it – beatitude!!!...

A life of a boar, a life of a freak, a life of a Norman girl.

— I have a sense of motion, a feeling of body absence…

— Have a try to feel your shape.

— It’s a beast. It seems that I’m a boar.

— Are you a boar or a sow?

— I’m kind of wild beast, I have a feeling of enormous animal power and a very weak consciousness. I’m in the prime of life!

— Describe yourself and what you see around.

— Well, I’ve got fangs, I’m strong, black, big, I’m grunting and digging.

— Don’t you hurt your nose while digging?

— No, I even throw stones away. I’m looking for something there, the ground is stony, there are either mushrooms or roots. It’s a slope. I’m by myself. I’m incredibly strong. I can hear clatter of my hooves. It’s an exciting feeling — to feel yourself standing on the hooves. They are small but very firm (And shoes having the bigger surface that stands on the earth are less safe).

— Probably because of four supports?

— Now I’m becoming wild, I can’t get something under the stone, I can’t dig it out. My eyes are becoming bloodshot, I’m going mad.

— Does anyone look after you?

— The place is a lonely one, I feel no dismay at all. I saw people from long distance, none of us approaches to each other. People don’t have guns, they are rather timid. I see them from time to time in the oaken forests, they drop into it for some reason.

— What do you feel now?

— I have stuffed and snored.

— Did you manage to get what you wanted?

— No doubt. It was a root and some old rotten nuts. There is no winter in this place, to my mind, or it is not severe. The nuts are delicious though wet. No new yield yet. Leaves are lush and bright, it’s the beginning of summer. I’m lying, my hooves and sides are jerking. I’m sleeping keenly.

— What sounds can you hear?

— I can hear common calm noise. I feel satisfaction because I’m replete. The sun warms up. A stone got under me, but it doesn’t disturb much. The body is muscular, full of energy. The vermin don’t bother much. I hear a pleasant rustle of leaves and the wind blowing. Warmth goes from the sun, I feel groovy. I’m dozing. My life is dull.

— Do you have a family?

— Not actually, I just had some casual relations. I don’t feel any parental feelings to my piglets. I just remember that there was some sow, some piglets.

— You didn’t always have such a calm life owing to your strength, did you? Take a look at your old age. Do you have enemies among animals?

— No, I don’t. It’s me who is dangerous. There are no big predators here. The other animals stand aside of here.

It started a heartache, the ache is acute.

— Are you scared by them? How do you treat them?

— This pain makes me suffer a lot. The recollections about my previous life are very faint, I don’t have premonition of death. A white light appears in and out.

— Does it scare you?

— I don’t feel strength, my muscles are weak. I’m so confused. I don’t have appetite. I used to cover large distance because it’s a customary. It’s not dangerous to walk, there is no enemies, everybody is afraid of us. The major sense of my life is to eat. I’m all-sufficient I don’t need to communicate with someone. I feel chagrined at my weakness. There are acorns but I have no appetite. I’m lying and watching around. My skin went gray, my fangs went yellow. I’m slowly stepping aside. I can’t understand do I have any fear or not. I feel pain in my groin. My hooves are rubbed, I’m trying to stand up but strong pain in my hooves disturbs me, I fail to do it. The body is heavy, I didn’t loose weight because my disease developed fast. First came the heartache now my hooves ache too. I feel my body is tired. Again comes the light it scares me. It seems that if I’ll manage to stand up and to eat acorns that are here then my disease will disappear and I’ll stay alive. But I cannot stand up.

— Are you dying by yourself, is anybody here near you?

— No, there is no one here. I can’t even understand what day it is, I don’t feel the sunbeams, although the day is clear. I hear noise in my ears, everything is blinking. All senses are gone, I feel my mouth waters and I’m completely collapsed. I roll up my eyes, the white light lit everything. I feel ache all over my body. I can see nothing, pain and weakness cover everything. If only I open my eyes everything starts to spin around, It’s difficult to keep eyes open. It’s hard… I don’t want to drink, the agony comes.

— What do you mean?

— Asthma starts, I miss the air, my perspiration is cogged-wheel, I feel spasms in my muscles. It’s the end. Now I feel no pain.

— Do you see your body from aside?

— Previously I chose a place to stop at night thoroughly, now I stay where I’ve fallen. The place is an uncomfortable one, I had to stay there as pain forced me. There are some trees near me and far away is a grove.

— Is anybody going to eat you?

— It’s a good question. There are some birds, carrion-crows, they eat me already. My skin is grey.

It was an interesting incarnation for me. It was unusual and convenient for me. I had interest on what I’ve seen but no interest to what I’ve left there. It seems that this incarnation was a recreation after some stormy full life.

— Let’s have a look at the previous incarnation to see why you were given such a serene incarnation?

— It feels like I had some awful, loathsome incarnation. It’s easier to go further than to turn back.

— Look for it!

— The incarnation is repulsive, I’m a freak-man. I have a huge hump. My life is miserable, I feel awkward, people are laughing at me, I’m seething with anger. I hate people and try to do harm to them. It’s the main feature of my character. People threw stones and bones at me. It started in my childhood. Evidently I was born with this abnormality.

— How old are you now?

— I’m a beggar, I always feel empty. It will be a long life and suffering. I go from house to house in villages.

— Are you kicked everywhere?

— They give me some food sometimes otherwise I could not live, but everybody looks at me with pity. I like when they feel pity for me because in this case I may be given some help. There is no kindness in me at all. I’m afraid of drunk people, they are mean, and of girls they laugh at me. It’s the most offensive as I feel drawn to them. I’m over thirty, I have many diseases: I have ache in my hump and in my back. One leg is shorter than another. Probably, I was not born like that, maybe it was a disease?

— Go back to the beginning of your life, describe it to me.

— I’m trying to remember my first steps, were they normal? I see… it’s a disease. I was born normal, my parents loved me. Our family was poor and I was not the first child. If my family was rich they would not hate me. When I was taken ill I became a burden for my family.

— In what age were you taken ill?

— At three. It seems it was tuberculosis. My spine began to screw, the hump began to grow. I lived with parents until thirteen-fourteen.   

— In what age did you begin to feel malice towards you in your family?

— At ten. It was a hard work. Till ten years I understood the world in some other way, there was some hope.

— What is your name?

— They rarely called me by name, usually by nicknames. I didn’t get used to my name. I’m not developed well, my expressions are very simple. They call me a freak, an idiot and so on. It’s unpleasant for me to recollect it. I had lots of tears and offences, but there was also a hope. The understanding of being not like all the others came to me in ten years. It seems that the deformation at the beginning was not significant. Communication in my family is difficult, I hardly can move, I cannot play with others, I grow on my own, I’m developed badly. In my fifteen reproaches began. My coevals have already grown up and they can work and there is no hope for me, the wonder won’t happen, I will never be healthy, it’s my destiny.

— Do you leave your home by your own will or parents force you to do it?

— They sent me to the town to beg. They didn’t kick me out for all the time, they think that in the town I have more opportunities to stay alive. There are more people there and they help such freaks as me.

— What do you feel being chucked out?

— The relations in my family are rude, I was kicked without reflections and senses: I’m useless, I’m a burden and I’m too many here. There had been religion, but it was in cathedrals, its commandments do not work at home.

— What century is it?

— It’s difficult to say. The 3-th or the 4-th B.C.

— Wow!

— There was a big time gap, because the incarnation of boar was close to our times. And I feel it was the previous incarnation. Now I’m thirty, I feel malice, unlimited malice, there is a lot of superstition in me and in others. Superstition dominate over people, I’m surrounded by the dark world. When I come to a new place I feel fear to do something wrong otherwise they can not only throw me away but also kill. Villages are far from each other. I prefer not to speak at all. The way of communication is different in every village, it may differ greatly from next village. I’m afraid of people and I hate them, I’m annoyed with young women. Surely my abnormality is horrible, but even if a woman would feel pity for me, I’m not sure if I’m a normal man but I still want them. I feel anger because I make them feel nothing but disgust. My body is aching, my hump, my leg… It’s difficult to move, I can do it with a stick only. It’s terribly cold, I’m in rags, I feel pain even on nights. There were some rare moments when I could warm myself near a warm wall (if the stove in a house is stoked, that stands near a wall, I can feel warmth outside) and if before that I’ve been lucky to eat something I can sleep without pain! When I fall asleep I begin to see dreams — I want a woman, it’s a wild, absolute desire of a woman. Then I wake up and suffer again. Have I done any harm to people? Yes, I’ve done, I’ve done terrible things thought didn’t think they were terrible. First of all to take revenge on the world: if I met puppies or kitties, I killed them, I didn’t torture them, I killed that’s all. My constant physical pain made me kill them, it gave me satisfaction for some time. If I saw a dying dog I finished her off. I would like to do the same with people, but I couldn’t because I was weaker. As for children… I suppose there was something in my eyes that made them flee from me. I think people felt how much I hated them, that’s why nobody left children with me. I was so tired of life that I hated even hate. I don’t want to live anymore.

— You didn’t have any woman, probably an ugly one?

— There are a lot of freaks this time. I see a dwarf woman, she was born like that, she lived in rich house, but I’ve never been with them.

— Probably you are the ugliest freak?

— Maybe I’m not the ugliest, but I’m just the most suffering. Now I’m watching the others, probably they were made like this or born like this, there are a lot of them, they didn’t frighten anyone, they are like actors in a comedy, they make everybody laugh because of their huge head or small height or other disproportions. But they cannot understand me because they feel no pain and I feel constant physical suffering. I’m like a mock of nature, I cannot understand how could I live for such a long time.

— Go through your death.

— It seems I’m approaching to it.

— And as for pain that you constantly feel, does it give any opportunity for your soul to develop?

— No, on the contrary, my understanding is narrowing. Now I’m trying to remember did anyone feel pity for me? They felt actually, sometimes they left me in their houses, I lived there, very often with some animals or I lived in box stalls as it was warm there. Now I recollect a scene: it’s warm, it smells dung and cattle-shed (it was rarely cleaned). The animals are all together: goats, cows, sheep. It’s a stone building. I sleep with them, their breathing calms me down. I have always felt better near the animals, I warmed near them. Sometimes they let me go to a cattle-shed, sometimes I went there myself. I always tried to find such a place during my travelling. I hid, ate with them, sometimes they found me and kicked away, sometimes I crept away when a day was breaking. This feeling of dirty warm side near me… It’s a terrible life by no means. Difficulty to move, darkness, cruelty — it’s my essence now. When I was a child I saw the world differently. My first recollections are my first steps. I understood the world. I didn’t think my parents to be rude, I treated them this way later. At first I treated the world light, dirt, suffering and pain came later. Later when I was sick, all my joy was to eat and to sleep. Do I think about death? I feel like a boiled rag, I don’t want to live anymore, I’m fed up with everything. It’s hard to live, I feel constant pain, my soul is tired. There is no light, I want to die. I understand that I was given too little. Probably until I wanted to move somewhere, to find a new place, until I suffered from pain and cold, until my head was aching because they threw stones at me. What I’ve been punished for?

— Try to go through your death.

— I don’t feel any severe pain, pain has always been with me. Now it likely goes away. Here comes numbness, I feel death is approaching me, I don’t feel my body and it is good. These last minutes are not the most horrible. I wanted to die and the death comes closer and closer, bringing relief to me. I’m having rest for all past years. I don’t feel pain.

— Do you know anything about your relatives?

— No, they could have found me. I saw my brother on the fair once, he turned around as if he didn’t see me. I have a feeling that he was afraid to know me. On the fair I was begging together with other beggars and had kicks all around. My brother was shocked by this and didn’t wanted to look at this. Probably he felt pity for me. He was gone and I didn’t creep after him. I feel terrible headache. I don’t feel my body, a headache only. White light covers everything. Now pain has gone and I think again why did I suffer so much. Bright pictures from my early ages, the meeting with my brother, I’m delirious again. My soul… It’s in my body but it is going away. It seems that it is punishment for sins, payment for something more terrible. I didn’t kill anyone in this life, after all. People made me suffer much more. This is a gruesome life, I can’t understand if it is a punishment for my previous life or for my ancestors’ sins or a curse, but it was not haphazard. This certain understanding seems weird to me because I’ve never thought about it previously and didn’t think in such terms. It is like an afflatus, that it is a payment for some old sin. I have to understand it now, but I’m afraid that I would not be able to make out for whose sin I’ve been paying for all these years? I cannot figure it out! I’m dying. I can’t understand it.

— Describe to me your abandoned body.

— Judging by its appearance it looks like forty five – fifty, although truly not much than 35. I’m ragged, stinking. It happened in the cold autumn, near a cattle-shed, I was going to warm in. I don’t want enter the body again, it’s difficult, unpleasant.

— Do you feel pity?

— I feel pity very much. It’s difficult to call him a human, he was creeping all his life, paying for some one else’s sins. Now I think this curse was given me not a long time ago, two generations back at least. It’s hard for me to step aside. I was impressed a lot!

— Find the previous incarnation for what you are paying.

— I don’t want it, I’ve suffered enough.

— Find it!

— Oops, it seems I found it. I’m a woman who killed her new-born child. Good gosh, it’s awful…

— Do you see him?

— Yes… Oh, God, I’m shocked! Nobody must know. Why? This scene stands behind my eyes… how I gave him a birth and… it’s difficult to say something… I’m mad, I gave a birth in the bushes on my own. I must not give birth to this child. I can remember nothing and I cannot turn back. I’ve just killed him. I went crazy and stuffed his mouth with ground. I could not stand up, he began to cry and I stuffed his mouth. May be I’m crazy? I cannot remember what has happened to me.

— Remember the childhood of this woman.

— The childbirth was horrible...

— Please, go back to the childhood of this woman!

— I’m so shocked! I’m even shivering…

— Cry if you want, tears are dropping.

— Tears… why did they come? I can’t go back to my childhood. Pregnancy is difficult, I’m all alone, I have a huge belly. I’m alone… Here the story begins to clear up. I’m a teenage girl. I live in a town. Then I left it. There was plague in it. It was a horrible disease, I ran on my own, because all in the house became ill, my mother told me to leave the house. So I fled. It was a small town but with fortifications. I had a brand that I was from a town infected with plague. I saw cadavers. I stayed alive by miracle. The corpses became black, there were some ugly black sores on them, I smelt terrible scent of carrion, it is still with me. I’m afraid to think about it. I went roving.

— In what family had you been living before the plague?

— I had a wonderful family and happy childhood! My father was of a middle-class, he was a shop-keeper. I was not a spoilt child, there were two children — me and my sister. My parents were young, healthy.

— What country was it?

— It was middle or central Europe, Normand probably, but very ancient times. I heard that life was severe, there were a lot of poor. We lived isolated. We had our own yard and were not allowed to go out. My father was a baker and he had a shop. My mother baked some cookies and father sold it. He often went somewhere and brought beautiful clothes. All in all it was a happy childhood. There were servants, parents, my grandmother and my sister in the house. When the plague began everybody died. I was thirteen. My mother told me to flee from this town as soon as possible. She said not to take anything just run away. I was afraid to go from the house before and now I’m all alone. There ere vagabonds, rovers on the roads and people who ran from the plague like me. I was raped by a man. It was terrible. He was a rover, all dirty, nasty, ugly and rude. I’m trying to get rid of this reminiscence but it always goes back to me. It was horrible, I’ve had a delicate body… I ran away from that man but I met others who also raped me. I was scared, probably they saw fright in my eyes and that’s why they did it to me. Here I’m already pregnant, I don’t know if my father had any relatives in other towns. I’m frightened. I understand that I’ll have a baby. I don’t know what to do. I’m not only afraid for my own life but also for my future. I’m also afraid that if I kill him, it would be a great sin. It seems that in my family the conception of sin was a custom. I cannot give birth to him, I cannot leave him, I cannot kill him. Otherwise I would have to pay for it. They cannot treat me other way because of that dismay in my eyes. When I was not pregnant, they abused me, and now they recoil from me. I tried to explain where I’m going from, but they were afraid of me in this case. They were afraid of the plague and they didn’t let me in to their houses. If I pretended to be a halfwit (it was not difficult for me ‘cause it was what I actually felt) they treated me the other way, not like in my fourteens. I’m in a mess. Sometimes I forgot everything while sleeping, but it was scary to wake up, I was afraid of such dreams. There were no big cities around. I tried to find a job, to be a servant, but I was not able to do anything. And when my belly became big, they just chucked me away. I was in despair. I did this awful sin, I killed my baby, I didn’t even look who was it a boy or a girl. I was so desperate! I thought it would be better not to look at it at all. It was a bout of madness! And understanding of committed sin. Then I understood that I could not live with this feeling and I thought that I must commit a suicide, although it was scary and bad. It’s also a sin! I have obsessional thoughts, I’m wandering somewhere like in a dream, I’m staggering, I’m stained with blood, I’m hungry. Water attracts me. Probably it is the simplest way, to drawn myself and die. I’m fifteen or sixteen, a child, but for that time and my life experience not a child at all. I have some flashes in mind and an obsession to take my own life. I see a strong stream with many funnels, I fall into water. I look at water only, it attracts me. I look back and see bushes and my killed baby. I can see nothing more. The water is near… I’m already in it. I do not resist. My consciousness left me earlier when I went to water and now the light is everywhere. It’s over. My soul suffered a lot, it was a shock. I was not shocked that much when my parents died, I watched and became silly. And now when I am alone all that tortures from that nasty men became a torture for my soul. Now being a soul I understand that there were nothing left and the soul was ill. I don’t have a feeling of ease, composure, emptiness. I see myself grey. I don’t see my body, it’s on the bottom. I’m shivering all over, like I’m terribly ill. Now I understand that I have to live a very difficult life from the beginning to the end. I won’t have any other opportunity. That’s why my soul was put in the body of that freak man.

 

 

Tomsk, 1998

-I’m moving along some tunnell, don’t feel any fear, tunnel’s making curves. I’m speeding up. It’s so fast, I can not move steady, I’m shaking sideways. Feeling kind of tensed, I’m trying to take a hold of something to get myself steady. Now I can see stars making circular motion, I’m falling very fast. The falling stopped rather abruptly. I don’t move anymore. No vibration of any kind, no tension. I feel like sleeping... My! Something’s moving towards me, dark and solid, I’m scared.

-This dark and solid something, that’s moving towards you, is it threatening?

-No, not to me. To me it’s not aggressive, rather indifferent. Now I can see some dim light coming from some, I don’t know where it comes from...

-Can you see anything lit by this?

-Not exactly. It’s sort of getting clearer, however I can not see anything in particular. Sort of morning’s approaching. I can see the sky, clouds moving fast, the sky above gets clearer. I’m lying on my back looking upwards, clouds are moving real fast...

-Take a look around. Tell me what you see. What kind of landscape?

-Some stones, all around me. I feel scared because of everything, ‘cause I don’t know where I am.

-Get back to the beginning of this episode, to daytime, to time when everything’s clear and visible and nothing to be afraid of.

-Well, I can see trees all around; I’m sitting in some boat on some river. I’m human. Female. I’m about thirty years old, as the hand’ skin show’s. Less than thirty, I would say.

-Describe your hands.

-They don’t look, say, tired? However, they’ not especially white, rather dirty. It’s almost hot. I’m wearing some beads, huge and red in color, besides I’m wearing some shirt made of very tough material like a sacking. The river runs through some tropical forest, deciduous trees, that’s why «tropical». I’m following the way the river flows. At the same time I’ve got some particular destination. There’s fish in my boat, threaded fish. I didn’t catch it myself it was given to me by somebody.

-Is there somebody else in your boat, some human?

-No. And no oar. I’m just following the way the river runs. In my destination point the river’ supposed to get very narrow and I’ll moor without any trouble.

-Get back a little. When did you get the boat.

-I’ got it from some old man, brother to my Mom, seems. The fish he gave me too, that was him. His name is Don. I came to his place on foot.

-Describe the boat.

-It’s made of  cane, both bow and stern slightly lifted.

-Take a look at your hands, what are they holding. Your real hands are tensed, are you holding anything?

-My! I’m holding sculls. Two sculls. They are so tiny, so short.

-How are you emotionally?

-Good. I was visiting my uncle, he gave me some present.

-Describe me your village, the place where you live.

-Pretty nice spot, surrounded by trees, huts stand in circle. Hm, rather peculiar...

-What’s peculiar about it?

-Well it’s sort of half civilized, primitive, the village I mean. At the same time they’ got phone over here, I know I can use it.

-Is that your home or you came from elsewhere? What color is your skin-?

-Well, those people around me look dark, but I’m white. Now I got off the boat, collected the fish, shit.. it’s wet and cold, slippery. I’m barefoot, the ground underneath is warm. I left the boat by the shore, but I collected the sculls.

-What kind of people live at that village?

-I can see some small kids, playing in the grass, an old lady keepin’ eye over them. I gave her my fish. She puts the fish over smoldering fire...

-Describe the old lady’ clothes.

-Weird. Lot’s of strange looking rags, the whole thing looks like some sack.

-Listen, I’ve got some sort of radio transmitter in that hut of mine, some box with buttons on it.

-Is that some sort of expedition? Are you a missionary?

-Yeah, sort of expedition. Funny, you know on my visit to uncle, he asked me for how much longer I’m supposed to stay there, is there anything special I’m looking for in that God forgotten hole. And that was true. I’m looking for something, some plant, growing on marshlands. Very rare and, say, very special, mythical.

-Do the natives know about the plant, can they show you where it grows? Or they won’t?

-Well, they would but it’s so rare, no kidding. And I need it, I really do. I even dream of it.

-How does it look like, in those dreams of yours?

-In my dreams I usually see deep blue sky, some water surface, sort of abandoned pond covered with weeds... The plant has green leafs, very bright, as if electrified from within, am I dreaming? My uncle’s here because of me, he does not want to leave me here alone in the middle of jungle. I’m looking for this plant for three month.

-Do the tribesmen help you or otherwise?

-I think they are stupid. Somebody saw that plant a long, long time ago, that’s it. I can speak there language, I learned it especially for that purpose. You know, they look stupid, but we can go along pretty good, I treat them as sort of children.

-Is it dangerous, this search of yours?

-Well, there are snakes in the bayou, and some poison weed. You have to watch your feet, ‘cause they’ got poison thorns, you have to watch your feet.

-Can’t you wear boots, I mean to protect your feet?

-This would be incompatible with their trust in me. You have to conduct your search barefoot. You know, they dance around the campfire accompanied with drum’s beat. They do it each and every night, I’m tired and sick of it.

-Is you body, the one you possess in the episode different from the one you’ve got in your present life?

-Yes, I’m fit, I exercise a lot and I walk a lot.

-What are you, what are you doing?

-Hard to explain...sort of...I don’t know.... You know what, now I can remember why my uncle provided me with the boat. I fall through waterfall in that boat... Yeah, that’s why everything was so unsteady and shaking and turning all around me. That was the beginning of today’s episode.

-What time, what period of history. What’s your uncle dressed in?

-Jeans.

-This  might be 150 years ago, about around the time jeans were invented?

-I don’t think so, the transmitter, remember. At the same time it did not look like up-to-date kind of thing, pretty big box at least one foot tall and about two feet wide. It’s transmitter and receiver at the same time, I can communicate with my uncle through this, I can yell help. I know Morse alphabet. Uncle’s arrived prior to my waterfall’ falling, he was very angry, didn’t really approve me coming here. He’s about 65, got a car, sort of military Jeep, very old, real antique. And my uncle he’s sort of ex-military man or CIA officer.

-And during that argument did he call you by some name?

-Santa was the name. Remember that hut of mine? I built that myself, used local leaves, just like the natives use to do. I could set up tent, of course, but I did not, just to stay low, otherwise I’d differ from the locals. And I wanted to get used to them and wise versa. ‘em getting used to my presence. I’m scared of living alone in the jungle, that’s why the village. And I can not stay with the uncle, ‘cause he’s bugging me all the time. This tribe lives on the bayou and their whole life is dedicated to that plant, it’ sort of their idol. Their shaman, who’s very old, saw that plant. They say, if you use proper magic on that plant you can almost get immortal. Or something pretty close to it. Anyway it gives you unlimited power over other people and the power to accomplish something that can not be accomplished - that’s what the book says and I learned that from the book. I don’t like it here, I feel uncomfortable, my crazy dream’ gone, I can tell you. While prior to that I was writing some book, sort of Ph.D. dissertation. Uncle bugs me because of that too. He always says, I could have finished the book and could acquire decent social position.

-Santa, how did you learn about the plant?

-Well, in fact I’m sort of historian, my book was about that tribe, we’re talking about. Looks like they are some Amazon tribe. And there was some ancient story, the story of some tribesman who can appear and reappear at different periods in history always looking the same, in face and body. They call him Ratkha or Rakka, that kind of name. As for the place, I’ve been there before. We were excavating something. There were anthropologists, linguists, zoologists on that expedition. Everybody used to have his own purpose to take care of. Our guide told the story of that legendary man, and I did recall that yes, there really existed that kind of cult in that region, and the local legend. That very region. And we were telling jokes and tempting each other to go to the bayou, find the herb and acquire immortality. And we sort of discussed those dedicated people, who spend their whole life in futile efforts to acquire the life eternal while all you had to do was go to the bayou and find the herb and that’d be it.

-Why did take it seriously, how come it became the sole purpose of your life? What basically was your intention - to meet the man, that Ratkha, or your dreamed of eternal life?

-The tribesmen used to tell that he is real and immortal, but nobody was lucky enough to meet him. Back there at home, in civilized world things looked different, way easier... And now I’m so tired, I wanna go home, it’s all my pride keeping me over here. Each and every night I dream of the plant and the waterfall - scary and very uncomfortable. Besides, there’re lots of mosquitoes. That’s what I’ve got, nightmares and mosquitoes. The natives are drumming all nights, and dancing around the campfire and feel like wailing to the moon which is really huge around here, the uncle does not show up. I’m sort of waiting for some celebration, it has to have something with the plant. The shaman adds something to the fire, some powder which gives people joy and visions. I wonder what kind of powder is that, I would like to steal some and bring it home and make some lab tests. I live in Los Angeles and I believe I can get proper chemical analysis of that powder and extract whatever special it contains. What bugs me most is I can not quite follow their way of understanding things, names of their weeks and months, the whole calendar or how they actually understand time. They say the celebration will happen soon, but it’s been more than three months since I’m here and the celebration’s not here yet.

-What about you? Do you actually go to the bayou and look for the plant there, do you do that?

-Well, first of all my uncle told me «Don’t come home other than in one piece», besides I’m not familiar with local geography, all that I’m familiar with lays within two miles’ range, beyond that I’m totally lost. By the way, I’ve got myself a handgun, a revolver. These days only women are there in the village. All adult men are on sort of food hunting tour. Women are gathering food too. That is edible roots, snails and other minor creatures. I don’t eat these, I’m on my cans. I can eat berries, though. They look like grapes, only very sour. I’m of the opinion we’ll have the celebration when hunters are back. They are expected shortly.

-Do the men, the native males, know you’re there?

-Sure, I told you I’ve been there before with other scientists. Besides, our former guide is local. They know about me and they don’t show any distrust. There are no big animals around the village or in the area approaching. That’s why they have to go hunting that far and for that long. Basically, the whole land, the soil around the village is far from perfect. I used to try to figure out what keeps them here. I think that’s the cult, the weed, that is. They believe it keeps them off diseases and they say they are the only tribe worshipping that plant.

-Did you accomplish your waiting? How?

-Finally, the men came back and our former guide recognized me. I told him I’m interested in the story of that plant and related ceremony. The true reason, to collect the plant and to process it in laboratory, I kept that for myself. The point is, the try to stay apart from other tribes and they know they can remain that way as far as nobody knows about the plant. That’s why no outsider is permitted to be told about that. During the celebration they eat their fill and lit fires at each hut’ entrance. That’s supposed to symbolize life inside each house. The shaman, who reminds me of some ape is shouting something rhythmically, to the drum’s beat. He dances around each fire and pours some stuff, some dark powder into the fire. The stuff burns and acquire hallucinating qualities. The natives are getting agitated. Their look scares me. The shaman’s got leather knapsack filled with the weed. Everybody’s dancing in trance, fall on their knees, the shaman’ mumbling something. The knapsack is lying on the ground. Only fire separates me from it. Although the fire’ burns low, I use some twig to get the knapsack. It still has a lot of powder inside. True weed by touch with strong smell. The knapsack smells of leather and the powder, I don’t know what it smells like, nothing to compare with. I’m getting some handful of powder and throwing the knapsack back. Shaman’ still mumbling something. I’m confused, I don’t know where I can put the powder. I can not leave right away, that would be suspicious. I’ve got handful of green powder, however I’ve got a feeling this is not the same herb. I wait until all the fires are through and all natives asleep. I don’t think the shaman will weight the knapsack and find out. I can leave now since the celebration’s over. I’ve got small purse, and I pour the powder there.

-For how long you’ve been waiting?

-Three month and ten days. I don’t want to carry all of my belongings, I leave the transmitter, because it’s heavy. I wait till morning lights without going to sleep. Then I collect my stuff and I’m gone. The whole village is in the arms of Morpheus. I’m so glad, I’m about to get rid of them soon, I’m so tired of uncivilized living. Uncles’s still asleep when I approach. I turn on the radio, that’s how I know it’s June’ 15, 1968. Music plays. Uncle wakes up. He ‘s not aware of me leaving and starts to bug me. I’m telling him, we can leave, but he keeps on bugging: «It’s about the time you made up your mind, at six in the morning». Quite a temper! Finally he realized what I’ve been saying. He’s happy we can go now. We get into the car and we’re off. The car’s rented, by the way.

-How long’ the road?

-We drive on, it’s already daytime, about four or five hours I would say. Finally we got to some base, a military base. My uncle seems like pretty important over there. That’ our point of departure.

-You go by what?

-Hard to tell, but it’s awful. Stinks a lot and trembles all the time. I sit with my eyes closed. We land at some town and fly to LA. The powder I treat like some precious something. Can’t wait until the lab.

-Do you have any idea how the natives used to call the powder?

-Western science is not familiar with this plant, as for the locals, they call it, wait a second - «cardamantos». You know, the whole area is still pretty much unexplored. I bring the purse to a friend of mine, he’s botanist and he’s in charge of some lab. They’ve heard «the herbal legends» but feel quite skeptical about it. I invite him for a dinner. I know, he’d be interested, because he’s that kind of dedicated person, besides he sort of shines a light on me. And he’s botanist, while I’m not. At first, he laughs at that story of mine, but he stops laughing at the very second he gets the smell. He looks really surprised and asks me where I’ve got the stuff. I’m telling him where. He thinks I’m crazy, still he promises to do all the necessary tests. As s matter of fact, I gave him only half of the amount. Besides, I asked for his permission to stay in the lab and watch the actual job on the substance. He agreed, eagerly even. I worry during the whole time he’s performing those tests. It takes unusually longer, and he does not tell me anything just exchange some phrases with his assistant. Finally he’ s telling me of some untypical molecular structure, that’s disturbing him. He even says he never saw anything like that before. Nothing like that. Still he doesn’t think this is sort of discovery, because he does not know how to handle it. And he’s definitely not ready to answer whatever questions I’ve got. At this point I fell I don’t trust him anymore, not especially.

-Is there anything special in his behavior that disturbs you?

-Well, he’s weird. We set our future session for the next week and he informs me he has to consult his professor. This professor lives in some other town, so it’ll take a while to get there. And he’s asking to leave what remains of the powder at the lab, so he would be able to continue. I’m not sure. My idea is he wants to keep the powder, I mean for some purposes of his own. Still I do what he asks me to.

-And you are aware of the fact the powder might prolong life? You know how to use it?

-No. I doubt if this dried substance might be used at all. Anyway we agree upon the following. Michael, this friend of mine will get the powder to his professor, who runs some clinic. I don’t remember the town, about two days driving, yes about this. Well, the week passed, Michael’ still gone. Then month. I started to make inquiries, and his colleagues at the lab are unaware of his whereabouts. I’ve got uneasy feelings about this. I mean, it’s not that he deceived, I resent me ever getting him into that mess with the herb. And I did not get the name of the place, so I don’t even know where to look for him. And he could have set an experiment over himself. That’ quite possible, him being that kind of dedicated person. Finally, after six month I received a letter from him. He tells me, he’s in hospital and gives me the address.

-Do you visit him?

-Yes. Well the time’ passed I don’t feel anything like, you know, I’m not that interested. But that letter brings me back. I wonder what happened to him, how is he. That’s because he told me, in the letter I mean, he was ill. Well, the town is definitely not any metropolitan sort of place. Michael’s in mental hospital. At first glance I could have said he’s out of his mind. He looks real awful. Then I looked in his eyes and those were eyes of happy person. I asked him how’s he and he smiled and told me that was stupid question he’s in hospital and that’s sort of normal to not feel well if you’re in hospital. Then I asked him why he decided upon not feeling well in this particular place and he told he had no choice. Then I asked if his present condition is somehow connected with my request and he said no that was not my request but his thoughtlessness. Then he told me he had misinformed his professor. He did not tell the legend of immortality, he only told the old guy he’s at a deadlock with this herb. They did their tests for about a week, smoked a lot too. Professor told him this plant reminds him some seaweed and at the same time it contains some substances he can not identify because they are untypical for any plant. Finally the old guy told him, he was sort of  kidding, that true scientist is the one who sets experiments upon himself.  After that they prepared an extract and were about to make an injection to some monkey. The point is this professor used to have anthropoid ape in his lab especially for some would be outstanding experiment. That was supposed to be that kind of experiment. Well, as you know, Michael did not tell the professor about the immortality. At night prior to the experiment Michael woke up, decided that ape does not need immortality, anyway it would not be able to describe the experience. After that he got to the lab and injected himself.

-Santa, what happened after that?

-He told me he did not know how he got there at all.

-Did you try to find out how he got there, did you try to contact the professor?

-Well, Michael was in a mess because of me. He looked very thin, lost half his weight, gray skin... I was all shook up. I offered to contact the professor but Michael refused decidedly. Doctor in the hospital refused to tell anything, but he said that in a couple of month Michael will be more cooperative. With that I left.

-What you’re feeling now?

-I think that’s none of my business. I don’t know what’s the next step. I called my uncle and he told me I can rely upon him and he can pull some strings of his. I feel confused, I don’t want to get involved with uncle’s office and at the same time I can not continue without outside help. Finally, I made up my mind. Uncle asked to pass him all the powder I had, because he thought I could have tried it myself. Still, I kept some substance. Perhaps I did not reject the idea of getting immortal. Uncle promised to call me when he gets any results. He called after two weeks, told me there’s nothing special about the herb just some marshland weeds and some bark. He even gave me Latin names for those, perhaps he had them written on paper, the way he pronounced. And I could hear he was, I don’t know sort of not quite ... He did not sound natural. He promised to come. When he did first thing he offered me was to go somewhere for a dinner. At the dinner he told me he was asked to pass information and that was that. I was disappointed, you know, I failed twice.

-Did you visit Michael?

-Two weeks after this episode with uncle. You know, I thought that was unusual, that competent people giving that different opinions.

-How did Michael look like? Did he recognize you?

-No, he was unconscious and under intensive treatment. His doctor said Michael’s problems with blood circulation, some brain disorders  and there’s no chance.

-You felt upset?

-I was frightened, I felt responsible. I tried to find out about the professor but nobody was willing to help. And I thought the doctor at the hospital knew something but was not willing to help either. I was so upset I was about to flush the powder down the toilet.

-So you did not succeed, you gave up, I mean the professor. However that was your only clue...

-Well, professor called me shortly after this. He introduced himself and mentioned Michael’s name. He gave some explanation about the herb, he said it contained some «transforming substance», which I could not quite follow, then he began to explain. «You know», he told me, «no one can be born again», but that herb, some substance that’s in it makes such thing possible I did not like the call. I had distinct feeling he was trying to find out whether I had any more powder. That’s why I told him about the uncle and those governmental agencies. I was quite frank. He seemed to believe me, although it’s hard to say if you don’t see the other’ face. Finally he asked whether I want to visit Michael and I told him I saw Michael two weeks ago and no, thanks I already feel myself guilty and I don’t want to witness his funeral ceremony. Quite unexpectedly he told me things are improving and Michael wants to see me. That was all very suspicious.

-What did you decide after the phone call?

-I visited Michael and he obviously was better. He had some plans for future expedition dedicated to the herb, that was supposed to be full scale expedition, well equipped and financially supported, poor natives. After that I tried very gently to find out about his experience after the injection. He told me he experienced a lot right after the injection, then nothing and that «nothing» continued until hospital. Right now he’s not ready, he’s not certain himself. And I had a feeling he’s not telling me the whole story.

-That’s bizarre! As soon as a person gets acquainted with the herb he starts to keep the truth. And what about now, how does Michael look like, did he recover?

-Yeah. He’s fine. Gained weight, full of enthusiasm and he wants to start up looking. I told him it’d be useless, the point’ not the plant itself and besides they’ll find nothing no matter how big the expedition. You have to know the time and the technique and the ritual. And in order to get acquainted with those things you have to make the natives interested and, first of all, make their shaman trust you. And Michael laughed and told me they are no fools, they know by themselves. But he did not offer me to join them. I did not want to go, but anyway. After that I called my uncle and asked him to arrange the meeting with those who studied the herb. He asked me why. I told him the legend and what I heard about the chemical formula. Finally he refused to help. I got tired, called Michael and quite unenthusiastically asked him to inform me of the results when the expedition’ through. He promised to do that.

-What was the outcome of that «cardamantos» story?

-Michael did not succeed. Expedition did not work out. I was so disappointed I got home and fed what was left of the powder to my cat.

-To your cat?! What happened to it?

-I mixed the powder with tincture of valerian. She got agitated, of course, then fall asleep. Of course I was interested in how she’d carry on. You know, basically cats don’t have long life. I thought that perhaps this one would become immortal, you never know. But no, she died at the age of ten, just like any normal cat. The whole story looks absurd and I wonder why I ever started the whole thing.

-How old are you now?

-Old. Michael somehow got out of my sight. He died, I think it had something to do with the war. I tried to find him but not real hard, probably got tired of the whole thing.

-Tell me about you life after the episode with the herb, did you settle down?

-Yeah. I’ve got a family, I’ve got children. I’m lecturer at the University of  Massachusetts, if I’m not mistaken. I’ve got two kids, a boy and a girl, the girl was first.

-They’re adults now, how old you are?

-About seventy.

-Looking backwards, what do you think of your life?

-It seems to me that the episode with the herb was the brightest thing in my whole life. I’m sorry I did not make, I mean I did not find out about the secret of immortality. I’ve got peculiar feeling as if my body is beneath some heavy load. Or terrestrial attraction got suddenly stronger.

-The weight of years?

-Perhaps. Basically I’m satisfied. I’ve got nice kids, solid emotionally. Very straight. It a little bit funny, that episode. Still, when you’re infected with some idea you’re really capable of doing everything. That was like a fairy tale.

-Tell me about the end of your life.

-My life’s pretty comfortable, both financially and psychologically. Physically I’m tired, no fun. All my drives and desires look far away. It was different when I was young, no peace no emotional balance. And I did not realize how young and healthy my body really was.  You know, all my past aspirations look so simple, so understandable now...(I guess I’m getting wiser, that’s almost visible). I lived good life, I’ve got each and every reason it was good. I’m even glad I did not try the powder. You know if you’re born as a human being you don’t need to jump out of your skin and look for some other way, that might look more glorious than human. Even this legend, nobody knows if that man, that Ratkha was happy and was wholesome. Eternal life within itself is meaningless.

-Perhaps this desire to gain immortality is some sort of dread of death?

-Well, you have to take the whole period of history into consideration. That was the Sixties. Everyone was pushing beyond the limits. But the fact is, although man’s many-sided personality, he has the brain and he has psyche, biologically he’s mortal. And that’s fair.

-Santa, tell me about the final episodes of your life? Is your husband still alive, how are you doing with each other?

-He’s alive. We’ doing fine together, just fine, we’re real close. I married him when I was 39. I die prior to his death.

-Live your death through. Why are you crying, you’re sorry for those you love?

-I don’t like to leave my body.

-Tell me, how did it happen?

-We sat in the garden. I’m very old, I sit in an armchair. Suddenly I feel very warm... My knees are covered with plaid. The is clear blue, and I feel like I’m dissolving in it, the boundaries of my personality disappear, I do not feel physically collected the way I used to feel. Still, I managed to have a final glimpse upon everything. Upon my husband too. Bright picture.

-What’s your husband’ name?

-Pablo.

-Did your soul separate from the body?

-Yes. I can see myself from the outside. I rise higher. Now I can see our house, it’s big and nice and tidy, the garden. I lived here for a long time, perhaps I gonna miss it. However I’m losing interest in these, as I keep on ascending. Now I can see blue space all around me and I feel like a small white cloud. Sort of snowing only snow’s not falling, it’s moving upwards. The higher I rise, the weaker my memories about the body and the home that I left behind. Interesting, some snowflakes stick at some lower level, can not rise any higher, I never so anything like that before. I was always ascending alone before. It’s so incredibly beautiful over here. I’ve got such peaceful easy feeling, elevated. Sort of festive.

-Usually I ask people: «Have you got the sense of coming home?»

-I have. And not just home, but home with long awaited festival that’s supposed to happen. Now I’m home at last. I’ve got a feeling of crystal quiet and cleanliness, as if it is first snow. What a feeling! They say, men’ got six senses. Now I feel like I have thousands of those principles of perceiving the world. There’s nothing to compare with. I can not even analyze this properly, my body stops me. And now I’ve got crystal clear space all around me.

 

 

 

Life of a cat

-I’m a cat, I lick my back paw and see my scrotum. Now I’m playing on the floor with a rag on a rope. An old woman plays with me, she is big and kind. She doesn’t bother me, I live my own life.

- Are you a cat or a kitty?

- I’m a cat. I lie, scratch myself and stretch.

- Why do they keep you in the house? Do you have some duties?

- I don’t know. I just feel nice here. I like to look through the window, I often do this, but now it is dark outside.

- Describe the house you are living in.

- I see a chest of drawers, there is a knitted napkin there. My mistress does some household work, I’m rubbing against her legs. It’s convenient to walk on four paws. Now I sit, looking around and waiting for something. I can hear my mistress washing the dishes on the kitchen.

- Do you have a place where you like to rest?

- It is window. I like to watch, sometimes I go outdoors.

- How do you go outdoors? Do you have some special trapdoor?

- No, I scratch the door to be let out. There is a summer smell outdoors. The house is wooden. It is morning and I can hear birds singing, but they do not evoke any associations. I drink milk of a saucer that stands on the porch. The milk is cold.

- What is your name?

- I don’t know. I’m strolling along the grass, butterflies fly around me and I’m catching them. It reminds the play with a rag. When I catch them I eat them, but they are not tasty. I have to clean my mouth when butterflies’ wings stick in my teeth.

- Is it a yard or a lawn? Are you afraid of somebody?

- This is a lawn, but I feel safe. Now I’m hunting on a bird, it sits on a tree. There is a nice feeling in my body – tension and shivering, it is hunting instinct. The bird looks like a sparrow, it does something with enthusiasm. There are many of them around, but I hide properly and they don’t see me. Before the jump I’m like a spring. I caught a bird with my paws, it twitches. I’ve bitten its neck and the others flew away in a mess.

- Is it tasty?

- No, I’m not hungry. I drank enough milk and I leave the bird on the grass. I see kittens, I like them. I played with them and then went to my place to the inner porch.

- Are you father of these kittens?

- Yes, they are mine. I sit in the inner porch, look around and wonder what  to do. I went to the hen coop and chase the hens, they run away. I don’t assault them, I just play. Now I climb on the roof, it’s warm there. I look around: I see the river and the forest and the meadow. I can see no more houses. I’m dozing, but I have some disturbing feeling.

- What makes you feel anxiety?

- I don’t know… some people riding the horses, they wear armour and they have crossbows. It seems that somebody shot at me on a crossbow and I fell down the roof.

- Go back to the moment when you have just climbed the roof and felt warmth.

- Yes, I’ve climbed the roof and I see a rider, I watch him. The arrow flew from another side, it hit my chest. I’m falling.

- Do you feel your body when you fall down?

- When I start to fall I feel it, then there is darkness everywhere, I don’t feel my body. I feel low…

- When do you begin to see your body from aside?

- When my body was pricked by the arrow and I began to fall…

- Describe what you see.

- I’m light gray, big, with an arrow in my chest.

- Let’s turn back to several months ago, when you met a cat. Describe your relations with her and love games.

- I see this game in inner porch. I feel anxiety, but it is not connected with the cat, I feel some danger.

- What kind of danger?

- I don’t know, but it disturbs me a lot. Now the cat snarls at me, but I manage to persuade her. But this is some other cat and other place – a roof, it is an afternoon and summer and it has happened before the previous scene.

- Do you play a breeding game again? Are the some rules?

- No, it’s just interesting to watch her in this situation.

Now it is winter. I walk on snow, I fall through it, it is not cold and very exciting. I feel excited breaking the icicles. I like to crawl on snow to the pole near the shed, to climb it and to look all around.

- Do you feel empty at winter?

- No, there is enough food. My mistress loves me and I’m always satisfied.

- Does someone visit this house or you live alone with the mistress?

- Someone does, a man, but he doesn’t live there. When he comes I feel anxiety, he is often drunk and I don’t like him. I just know that I shouldn’t irritate him.

            There are some conflicts between him and the old woman sometimes. He is a peasant, he looks like a miller from a movie. He wears a frock-coat up to his knees, light trousers and boots with buckles. Sometimes he helps the old woman. They sit at table for long and I’m near. If he is sober, I’m not afraid. Sometimes I sit at his knees and he flatters me.

- What happens next?

- Now they sit at table, I’m on the man’s knees. This is her son, they are talking.

- Do you see the point of their talk?

- No, I became bored and went away. I wanted to ramble through the house. There is an oven here and a big bed. I climbed the bed, I’m allowed to lie on it. I curled up.

- What is you inner state now?

- I feel harmony with everything.

- What is your age?

- I’m in my middle years. I was called and I ran, they feed me with hand. This is a boy, he takes me into his arms, he is a son of that man and my mistress’ grandson. He plays with some block, I sit near and watch. I’m interested to watch the play and I listen to what he is saying.

- Did you live this serene life up to the moment of your death or did you have to fight with someone sometimes?

- Once I met a raccoon near the house. It wanted to attack me.

- Did you run away?

- No, I drove him away, I fought with it and scratched its muzzle. Now I clean my paws, a piece of skin and hair stuck to it. I dig a hole for some reason…

- You will know!

- Yes. Now I’ve already filled it up and wash myself.

- Can you remember anything else?

- I remember the fence, I’m walking along it. There is a earth road to the house behind the fence. A cart with a horse drives on it. It has stopped. I watch it, a man in it annoys me. I assaulted the man, he is big, dark and strong. He tries to throw me off but fails. I bite him.

- It’s strangely, why did he make you so angry? Was he aggressive?

- No, I don’t remember. These are a man and a woman, they are strangers. Now they make love and I can’t stand him, I want to do with him the same thing I’ve done with that bird. I just want to bite his head off. I jump on him. He threw me away, he tries to threaten me, but I ran away, I climbed up and watch him.

- Is the woman also against you?

- No. He can understand nothing. He has had enough and now he is not interested in me. I scratched his hands deeply, he is afraid of me. The woman helps him. I don’t know these people, may be they are guests. I don’t know why women attract me more than cats. I see a bathhouse very dimly. I like to watch at the bathhouse window, but not when the old woman washes there. I see vaguely, I have bright feelings. Sometimes I go into the bathhouse, when a woman washes there. It is warm there, some splashes fall on me, it’s unpleasant, but it is interesting to watch. I understand what the woman says!

- What does she say?She says: “You frightened me, little devil! What are you looking at? Do you like me, huh?” I don’t see her, but I know that I like her. She touches my scrotum and jokes, I’m on heaven! I wait for something to turn up. She walks to the river, she is naked, I follow her. She swims in that river, I watch her. I’m afraid of water so I go away, she swims alone. I go to the house, it’s getting dark. I see a fence and the stars. I like watching the stars.

- What do you see there?

- Stars…

- Do you see them in the same way as a human does?

- Yes. There appeared some gnats they bite my nose. I fall into the grass. It is a vegetable garden. There are worms there, I dig them out. Sometimes I eat them, they are salty.I run to the yard, there is a dog here, I’m not afraid of it, sometimes we sleep together in its box. I don’t feel that fleas bite me, it seems I got used to them. The dog is warm and big, it has long tongue and it licks my head. It’s not pleasant, but I’m patient. I like to watch the yard from the box.Again somebody calls me home, I run, I prick my front paw. I stop to pull out a splinter. I shake my paw and lick it, then I run again. I enter the house, the door closes, it’s warm here. I have a strange feeling – there are no electric devices here and it is strange for me. There is food, but I’m not hungry, I’m thirsty. There is some milk, but I want some water. I’ve found a barrel with water, I drink. I know that I should lay near my mistress. She is afraid of something, that’s why I should be near. When she is asleep I may stroll around.I didn’t manage to stroll, it is already morning, and I’m stretching. When I woke up, the mistress was doing something on the kitchen. I have a feeling that guests visit us every day. The mistress cooks something and feeds them. I treat everybody in the same way. I remember a fire at a distance, a house is burning. I watch it but I don’t want to go there. I didn’t want to go there after.

- When do you die? Do you live to a venerable age or that episode that you’ve described was the last one?

- Sitting on a roof I saw a rider, who went from the forest. It frightened me. He is about 300 metres ahead. The dog didn’t hear anything, because he is far off. He gallops towards the house, there are some others riders with him. They went to the yard, there are about 15-20 of them. The dog is barking. I watch them from a roof. The mistress seems to know them, she is going to feed them. I clean myself, there is nobody in the yard, but I don’t climb down. I’m tired to sit there but I do not come down. I feel no alarm, but I don’t want to come down. The riders are in the house, it’s getting dark. Sometimes some of them go out of the house to urinate. I try to climb down. I left the roof and I sit on a pole. Two men see me, they argue with each other and take these crossbows. They aim at me, but I don’t understand what they are doing, so I sit calmly. I see two arrows, fired at the same time. I have a feeling of something unknown. One of these arrows hits my front paw, and I try to pull it of, but the second arrow hits my chest. I start to fall down and see my body from aside.

- What do these men do after killing you?

- They are content, they approach to my body. I lie on the left side, my front paws are crossed, my rear paws are stretched, the tail is flabby. I’m of dun color. These men came to me and urinated on me.

 

The creator of the Universe

- I see violet circles, moving slowly behind my eyes. Now they’ve disappeared and I begin to feel myself. I’m enormously big, I can’t understand how I can be so huge. I’m a big man, like a giant, higher than a house. I soar up high, my color is smoke blue. I stretch into something bright like the sun. I see the light orange flows and streams, I’m also like a stream, I twist and move, glittering with white, yellow and orange color.

- Do you feel harmony in this space?

- I don’t know.

- Are you anxious?

- I don’t feel anxiety, but I’m bewildered. I’m situated in a giant sphere. My color is flamboyant red. The images change swiftly, they are both energetic and physical. Now I see a hall, like in ancient Greece, women dressed in white, colors are soft. I’m old, gray man. I’m on the throne, this hall is mine, I’m the owner of it. It seems that I look on everything from above. I know what is going to happen and I watch people. I feel like I’m Zeus, in the way that people think of him.

- Let’s go back to the beginning of your life, when you were a child.

- There is light all around, I can see nothing material. That might be clouds or the fog. You may do whatever you want from this.

- Do you have any energetic or physical body now?

- I think I have.

- What kind of it?

- A small boy in white belly-length shirt. I am able to do everything, but I’m small.

- Do you have parents?

- I don’t know yet.

- What do you have to do now?

- I don’t have to do anything, I do what I want.

- Ok, what do you want to do?

- I make a horse from a cloud, it gallops! I’ve made the same horse with wings. They were white and now I make colorful horses.

- Where do you get colors?

- I don’t know, they appear at my will. I have never felt this in my human life, but this feeling is very breathtaking.

- How do you become older? Do you have a guardian?

- I don’t think so. I imagine the world and it comes to life.

- Where it comes from?

- From the inside. I feel joy when I think up something new, that have never existed before.

- What are you doing right now?

- Now I’m a youth. Sometimes I get bored. I always want to do something. I make houses.

- What kind of houses?

- Greek pantheons, for instance…

- Where are you now? The Olympus and its gods, is it true?

- The Olympus is true, but it is below, it is mean, and I’m high above.

- Where do you bring things that you create? Do you bring it to the Earth?

- When I was a boy these things went away and just disappeared and now I learnt to keep them. I don’t bring them on the Earth. I have the idea of “Earth” but it doesn’t matter for me. Things that I do, or we, I don’t know yet, are the point.

- Do you have a feeling of “me”?

- I have. The things I do are important and the Earth is not, it is like jobbing of what I, we do.

- Why do you say “we”, is there somebody else?

- It seems there is someone but at the same time I can’t see him. I’ve never seen him, but he gives me power and ability and I try to please him.

- There is God-Son, God-Father and God-Holy Spirit in the religion, is He a progenitor of all? And are you Zeus?

- I’m not Zeus, I’m like Zeus. Zeus is also somewhere below, in some other place. It’s different here, there is no feeling of time, I have no desires but to create.

- Are these feelings harmonious?

- They are while I’m young.

- And what began to irritate you when you became older?

- Nothing, I just have a feeling of endless time. I mean, it seems that everything happened for many times and it will happen for many times again and again!

- Tell me, did you have these feelings in your human mind?

- I felt it very often, the same I feel now. But in this session I keep in my place and my abilities are equal to my emotions.

- You were a child, then you became older, you are growing and becoming experienced. Do you have a physical body there?

- It seems that I do have a physical body and I see it because I know it. Generally speaking , it may be any body.

- Have you ever seen your guardian?

- I’ve not seen him, but he is in me and out of me at the same time. I’m a part of him. Now I’m in another body and I like it. This is an ugly and strong and dark body with wings. It’s a devil.

- Can you change the bodies?

- Yes.

- Does it mean that the good and the evil are of the same nature?

- Yes. For some reason this body is more convenient at the moment.

- What do you do?

- I destroy.

- What do you destroy?

- Something very big, it is bigger than a planet, it is the whole world.

- Why? Did you made it, is it something wrong with it?

- I don’t know. I must destroy it.

- What is wrong with it?

- I’ve no idea, I just have to ruin it.

- Why have you decided to destroy this world? Try to understand…

- It is like to erase something with an India rubber – I’ve drew something and then erased it.

- Does it matter for you that destroying the planet you may annihilate the life in this world?

- It doesn’t matter at all. I don’t even know if there is a life there. I just have to destroy and to empty the place.

- What do you do in this place? What space is it now, what is its color?

- It is dark at the beginning, it is night and cosmos, then I start to change the shape of my body, its color and energy, and so the color and the energy of the new world are changing. There is the mist in the space, I prepare it for something. I’m like an architect and designer, but there is someone other who creates. I don’t know, who, it is also unimportant. I’m still young. Later I will learn that there are many like me.

- You mean, many creators?

- Yes.

- Do they all connect with God – Holy Spirit?

- Probably.

- Does each of them have its own place in the universe and build a world how he wants?

- It’s difficult to imagine, but it looks so. I just lack words to describe it, but all the ideas and images are clear. Everybody builds a world by itself, without advising and consulting.

- Can you see what the others do?

- Yes, but it is not interesting. The world-building is interesting!

- Did anybody see what kind of a world you are creating?

- It’s difficult to say. Everybody tried, but no one could. Why did you ask: “Is there a sector?” It is, on the one hand, but each world is endless. You need time both to make it and to look at it.

- What about curiosity?

- There is no such thing, because… The world lives, it is huge. I mean it is so strange… I say “I”, “we”, but all “they” are also me.

- How do you know that the world you’ve made is harmonious?

- I’m like a painter or a composer, who absorbs in his works, some things satisfy him, but some things do not, so he changes them.

- How do you change yourself and what for?

- I don’t know.

- What for are all these incarnations?

- It looks like I’m not let in somewhere… I know it somehow though I should not, this knowledge is secret.

- All right. Do you remember, we began the episode from the scene with a throne, where you were an old man…

- Yes, I have got a strong human body, there are people around me: men, women, old men. My hair, beard and moustache are gray. I wear something on my head. The trunk is naked. It’s so strange – my trunk is naked, I wear something below it, but I don’t feel clothes.

- Do people around mind it?

- No, they are all right, they walk and talk.

- Do they see you?

- They do, I may become any of them.

- When you become some of them what is your body in the throne doing?

- There is no throne, everything is changing immediately. Each of them is in some other place indeed.

- Whom of them can you become now?

- Any of them.

- Try to become anyone. In whose body are you now?

- A woman’s. She is Japanese, I’m in Japan in old times. It’s difficult because I have to stop now. There are a lot of things in her and I must stop on something.

- What do you mean by “a lot of things”?

- There is fish in her, and the ocean and the sun; there is orangutan also, but I can see nothing in it: there is Japanese peasant and a retainer of Emperor’s Palace.

- Do you mean that you see previous incarnations of that woman?

- No, they are not previous or future. Time is absent. I see ones she had or will have. When I’m above, I can enter and look at any incarnation if I want. It’s so strange… These incarnations are not made by me. I just manipulate. I may incarnate, but I do not create this life. Someone other does, it is a higher level. I can use it easily, I can incarnate, I can watch, I’m interested in it. I know everything. No, not everything, my knowledge is uncompleted, I know it.

- But still do you know more than a human?

- Yes, sure, but it doesn’t make me feel anxiety. Now I’ve remembered that I incarnate very often to go through death of physical bodies. I wanted to know what living beings feel when they die.

- What about the death of the cat that you’ve remembered? Is it also an experience?

- It was long time ago, I didn’t feel anything.

- What is the last death you remember?

- A crash. I am a woman and I drive a car. I know everything strongly.

- What does she think about?

- I can’t… My head is aching. I see violet circles again…

              

- I see violet circles, moving slowly behind my eyes. Now they’ve disappeared and I begin to feel myself. I’m enormously big, I can’t understand how I can be so huge. I’m a big man, like a giant, higher than a house. I soar up high, my color is smoke blue. I stretch into something bright like the sun. I see the light orange flows and streams, I’m also like a stream, I twist and move, glittering with white, yellow and orange color.

- Do you feel harmony in this space?

- I don’t know.

- Are you anxious?

- I don’t feel anxiety, but I’m bewildered. I’m situated in a giant sphere. My color is flamboyant red. The images change swiftly, they are both energetic and physical. Now I see a hall, like in ancient Greece, women dressed in white, colors are soft. I’m old, gray man. I’m on the throne, this hall is mine, I’m the owner of it. It seems that I look on everything from above. I know what is going to happen and I watch people. I feel like I’m Zeus, in the way that people think of him.

- Let’s go back to the beginning of your life, when you were a child.

- There is light all around, I can see nothing material. That might be clouds or the fog. You may do whatever you want from this.

- Do you have any energetic or physical body now?

- I think I have.

- What kind of it?

- A small boy in white belly-length shirt. I am able to do everything, but I’m small.

- Do you have parents?

- I don’t know yet.

- What do you have to do now?

- I don’t have to do anything, I do what I want.

- Ok, what do you want to do?

- I make a horse from a cloud, it gallops! I’ve made the same horse with wings. They were white and now I make colorful horses.

- Where do you get colors?

- I don’t know, they appear at my will. I have never felt this in my human life, but this feeling is very breathtaking.

- How do you become older? Do you have a guardian?

- I don’t think so. I imagine the world and it comes to life.

- Where it comes from?

- From the inside. I feel joy when I think up something new, that have never existed before.

- What are you doing right now?

- Now I’m a youth. Sometimes I get bored. I always want to do something. I make houses.

- What kind of houses?

- Greek pantheons, for instance…

- Where are you now? The Olympus and its gods, is it true?

- The Olympus is true, but it is below, it is mean, and I’m high above.

- Where do you bring things that you create? Do you bring it to the Earth?

- When I was a boy these things went away and just disappeared and now I learnt to keep them. I don’t bring them on the Earth. I have the idea of “Earth” but it doesn’t matter for me. Things that I do, or we, I don’t know yet, are the point.

- Do you have a feeling of “me”?

- I have. The things I do are important and the Earth is not, it is like jobbing of what I, we do.

- Why do you say “we”, is there somebody else?

- It seems there is someone but at the same time I can’t see him. I’ve never seen him, but he gives me power and ability and I try to please him.

- There is God-Son, God-Father and God-Holy Spirit in the religion, is He a progenitor of all? And are you Zeus?

- I’m not Zeus, I’m like Zeus. Zeus is also somewhere below, in some other place. It’s different here, there is no feeling of time, I have no desires but to create.

- Are these feelings harmonious?

- They are while I’m young.

- And what began to irritate you when you became older?

- Nothing, I just have a feeling of endless time. I mean, it seems that everything happened for many times and it will happen for many times again and again!

- Tell me, did you have these feelings in your human mind?

- I felt it very often, the same I feel now. But in this session I keep in my place and my abilities are equal to my emotions.

- You were a child, then you became older, you are growing and becoming experienced. Do you have a physical body there?

- It seems that I do have a physical body and I see it because I know it. Generally speaking , it may be any body.

- Have you ever seen your guardian?

- I’ve not seen him, but he is in me and out of me at the same time. I’m a part of him. Now I’m in another body and I like it. This is an ugly and strong and dark body with wings. It’s a devil.

- Can you change the bodies?

- Yes.

- Does it mean that the good and the evil are of the same nature?

- Yes. For some reason this body is more convenient at the moment.

- What do you do?

- I destroy.

- What do you destroy?

- Something very big, it is bigger than a planet, it is the whole world.

- Why? Did you made it, is it something wrong with it?

- I don’t know. I must destroy it.

- What is wrong with it?

- I’ve no idea, I just have to ruin it.

- Why have you decided to destroy this world? Try to understand…

- It is like to erase something with an India rubber – I’ve drew something and then erased it.

- Does it matter for you that destroying the planet you may annihilate the life in this world?

- It doesn’t matter at all. I don’t even know if there is a life there. I just have to destroy and to empty the place.

- What do you do in this place? What space is it now, what is its color?

- It is dark at the beginning, it is night and cosmos, then I start to change the shape of my body, its color and energy, and so the color and the energy of the new world are changing. There is the mist in the space, I prepare it for something. I’m like an architect and designer, but there is someone other who creates. I don’t know, who, it is also unimportant. I’m still young. Later I will learn that there are many like me.

- You mean, many creators?

- Yes.

- Do they all connect with God – Holy Spirit?

- Probably.

- Does each of them have its own place in the universe and build a world how he wants?

- It’s difficult to imagine, but it looks so. I just lack words to describe it, but all the ideas and images are clear. Everybody builds a world by itself, without advising and consulting.

- Can you see what the others do?

- Yes, but it is not interesting. The world-building is interesting!

- Did anybody see what kind of a world you are creating?

- It’s difficult to say. Everybody tried, but no one could. Why did you ask: “Is there a sector?” It is, on the one hand, but each world is endless. You need time both to make it and to look at it.

- What about curiosity?

- There is no such thing, because… The world lives, it is huge. I mean it is so strange… I say “I”, “we”, but all “they” are also me.

- How do you know that the world you’ve made is harmonious?

- I’m like a painter or a composer, who absorbs in his works, some things satisfy him, but some things do not, so he changes them.

- How do you change yourself and what for?

- I don’t know.

- What for are all these incarnations?

- It looks like I’m not let in somewhere… I know it somehow though I should not, this knowledge is secret.

- All right. Do you remember, we began the episode from the scene with a throne, where you were an old man…

- Yes, I have got a strong human body, there are people around me: men, women, old men. My hair, beard and moustache are gray. I wear something on my head. The trunk is naked. It’s so strange – my trunk is naked, I wear something below it, but I don’t feel clothes.

- Do people around mind it?

- No, they are all right, they walk and talk.

- Do they see you?

- They do, I may become any of them.

- When you become some of them what is your body in the throne doing?

- There is no throne, everything is changing immediately. Each of them is in some other place indeed.

- Whom of them can you become now?

- Any of them.

- Try to become anyone. In whose body are you now?

- A woman’s. She is Japanese, I’m in Japan in old times. It’s difficult because I have to stop now. There are a lot of things in her and I must stop on something.

- What do you mean by “a lot of things”?

- There is fish in her, and the ocean and the sun; there is orangutan also, but I can see nothing in it: there is Japanese peasant and a retainer of Emperor’s Palace.

- Do you mean that you see previous incarnations of that woman?

- No, they are not previous or future. Time is absent. I see ones she had or will have. When I’m above, I can enter and look at any incarnation if I want. It’s so strange… These incarnations are not made by me. I just manipulate. I may incarnate, but I do not create this life. Someone other does, it is a higher level. I can use it easily, I can incarnate, I can watch, I’m interested in it. I know everything. No, not everything, my knowledge is uncompleted, I know it.

- But still do you know more than a human?

- Yes, sure, but it doesn’t make me feel anxiety. Now I’ve remembered that I incarnate very often to go through death of physical bodies. I wanted to know what living beings feel when they die.

- What about the death of the cat that you’ve remembered? Is it also an experience?

- It was long time ago, I didn’t feel anything.

- What is the last death you remember?

- A crash. I am a woman and I drive a car. I know everything strongly.

- What does she think about?

- I can’t… My head is aching. I see violet circles again…